kikoeru ka?
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: [Completed - Epilogue] What if the idol you’ve been following for all these years, actually has be obsessing over you for just as long? (Prequel to ‘the Nagareboshi series’; Ryu x Tatsuha)
1. prologue

Description: What if the idol you've been following for all these years, actually has be obsessing over you for just as long? (Prequel to 'the Nagareboshi series'; Ryu x Tatsuha)  
  
Disclaimer: Gravitation and Zetsuai aren't mine.  
  
Kikoeru ka? (Can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the 'Nagareboshi series')  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
prologue – why do I feel this way?  
  
March 3, 1996 –  
  
"Ryuichi. We need to talk."  
  
Touma told me this cliché phrase with his 'This is business' tone that he always gave whenever he just wanted to rip your head off with all his politeness. Of course, this was bad, but I didn't really care at the moment.  
  
I just lifted up my chin with an annoyed, "Yeah, yeah."  
  
I followed him all the way to his office from the recording booth downstairs. Sitting down in my usual seat for these lectures, I just stretched out my legs and made myself comfortable as I rolled my eyes. Touma, trying to find a comfortable position to scold me, kept on walking from looking out the window and finally settle on sitting on his desk. He folded his arms and stared at me with a pout.  
  
"I have a lot of patience, Ryuichi. And trust me, even though we're best friends, I can't stand what you're doing to yourself. " Hitting his desk with his fist, he sighed as he folded his hands and darted his eyes at me with arrows rushing to their bull's eye target. "There is no one who wants to manage us. And even if they did, I won't let them. You know why? They won't be able to handle you."  
  
Holding up three fingers towards me, he scolded, "You have shown up to all the meetings, all right. But how do you look?! Instead of wearing the suits I told you for the press conferences, you choose to wear this grungy look that isn't very becoming of you."  
  
Jumping from his desk, he took up my chin. "I like you clean-cut, by the way. But that's beside the point. If you don't shape up, Nittle Grasper will suffer greatly. We're already at the top."  
  
"We'll stay there," I said to him with determined eyes. The ones that knew what the hell I loved to do.  
  
He slightly smiled. Letting go of me, I still felt the imprint of his gloves on my chin. I pouted while becoming a little kid again, "You never were this mean to me, Touma."  
  
He shook his head at me. "No, I will not fall for this, Ryuichi. I'm serious! You're the one that makes this work, and you know it! We're a team, but if the singer can't convey what we want to say, how can we survive?"  
  
I sighed as I looked at him and pulled on his tie. With my eyes squinting for a moment, I told him, "I promise to be better."  
  
Smiling at me, he patted my head as I let go of his tie.  
  
Well, he'd always have a soft spot for me. How could he not? He's the one that pushed me to where I am. How could I possibly think I could let him down…  
  
My confidence.  
  
I was shadowing everything on stage to make it appear that I knew what the hell I was doing. Actually, I was scared, very scared of what I'd become through all this…  
  
Could I really handle this? If I failed, I didn't know what I'd do from then on. It would devastate me beyond repair. But, unlike other people, I also feared success. Good luck eventually runs out like sands in an hourglass.  
  
I only knew this too well by the way my life had been until now.  
  
Years ago, the odds were just as high and I thought, "Can I become happy because of this? If I succeed, how would I handle my life? Would the freedom I wanted actually deter me from doing other things I wanted to do?"  
  
Now, it was, "I'm here. I'm where I've always wanted to be…but why do I still feel like I've accomplished nothing?"  
  
"And you _are_ going to do better because you're going to be living with me in my home." He then pressed on the intercom saying, "Please send all of Sakuma Ryuichi's belongings to my place immediately."  
  
Beep. End of call.  
  
"Wh-wh-what?!" I shouted as I jumped out of my chair. I pointed at him and said, "Touma! You can't do this!"  
  
With a smirk on his face as if he were seducing me all over again, he said, "Try me."  
  
I bit my lip and then looked at him. "Damn…"  
  
I couldn't protest to THAT look.  
  
I sighed as I nodded my head. "Fine. Three months."  
  
"I'm glad you're seeing things my way," Touma said as he came back to me. Kissing me on the forehead, he patted my back. "I've still to arrange the music downstairs, so make yourself at home."  
  
Walking to the door, he then tossed the keys and a piece of paper he pulled from his pocket. "Here. Your keys and the direction to Kyoto. We'll be staying there for a week."  
  
"Touma~!"  
  
He waved bye and smiled while closing the door behind him.  
  
--  
  
I entered Touma's large home and dropped my duffel bag to the ground. The door closed behind me and I blinked at the expanse of what they'd call a mansion in America. I was more amazed at the fact that it took quite a while to get here by traffic on my motorcycle and that I was here in the first place!  
  
"So where's my room?" I mumbled to myself and looked at the 'directions' he gave for that too.  
  
I was supposed to stay on the second floor, the door at the end of the hall to the right.  
  
I opened the door and turned on the light to see a very neat room (expected) that lacked any type of personality whatsoever. I shrugged my shoulders and opened the curtains and the window. A gust of wind blew through and I closed my eyes to feel the breeze.  
  
I was so exhausted, but something about this place felt homey. Actually, it was the atmosphere of this room.  
  
I had never come here before because Touma told me we'd take a vacation here sometime. I just didn't expect it to be right now.  
  
Then again, I was still trying to figure out if we were having a vacation or…something else.  
  
There was a cute home with blue tiles that could perfectly seen from this house that was slightly on a hill. The lights were open and I wondered if its inhabitants were very lively.  
  
If the family that lived there was very genki…  
  
Unlike mine. It was genki in a different way.  
  
I shook my head. "Stop thinking about that, Ryuichi," I told myself.  
  
I sighed and turned away from the window. I unpacked and put my stuff in the drawers. I put a notebook and a cd alarm clock to wake me up in the morning.   
  
Going into the bathroom, I turned on the shower. Taking off my clothes and looking at myself in the mirror, I sighed, "I'm almost twenty-eight years old, but I feel like I'm fifty though."  
  
I frowned as I mumbled to myself. "Where the hell am I going in life?"  
  
I stepped into the tub and felt so bad that Touma had to deal with my mood swings. Of course, he should have been used to me, but it could never be that way.  
  
I was always self-destructive this way.  
  
I had money, power, success…  
  
Everything was now in my hands.  
  
Our whole _album_ is number one and I've been titled the 'sexiest idol of all time' by some music magazine as well as other titles.   
  
"But why do I feel like this?" I wondered aloud as the water poured over me.   
  
I sang. Whatever mood I was in, singing always made me feel good.   
  
But today, I wanted to sing Nanjo Koji's song, 'Zetsuai Megamix'. It was the song that was a mix of a lot of his songs, and each one, I tried to figure out.  
  
I was honest within my own songs, but I couldn't feel them. Well, not as much as he did. How could he sing so emotionally and desparately? I kept on wondering and tried for the umpteenth time to attempt to sing my favorite part of the song, in English no less:  
  
"I don't know what to do  
  
I can't see my way through.  
  
Standing in the pouring rain  
  
I'm trying to ease this pain  
  
What am I afraid of?  
  
When I really love you  
  
Never felt like this before  
  
My heart wants you more and more  
  
You're always on my mind  
  
Where I may be  
  
What ever I do, I think of you it's for always  
  
the way you walk, the way you talk  
  
the way you smile, the way you kiss  
  
Everything 'bout you, I love is so true…"  
  
I turned off the shower and hung my head in defeat. I had sung it technically well, but the feeling still wasn't there. I didn't give it the right feel.  
  
I sighed.  
  
Talent…  
  
Was that all I really had? Wass this what they called talent?  
  
Was this my limit as an artist?  
  
No, it couldn't be…  
  
I wrapped one of my towels over my waist and walked out of the room. While I was pulling on the sweatpants that I had set out on my bed, my door opened. I turned around, expecting it to be Touma, but there was this cute boy who held the doorknob with wide-eyes and his mouth slightly open.  
  
I closed my mouth as best as I could so that I couldn't laugh. He really was adorable and I wanted to laugh so hard, but I couldn't embarrass him more than he felt at that moment.  
  
"Sumimasen!" The boy shouted while bowing. "Sumimasen!"  
  
With a wink, I answered, "Daijoubu."  
  
The boy then immediately closed the door behind him. And there I was holding myself, unable to do anything because I was shaking my head, chuckling to myself.   
  
I knew _I_ should have been the one embarrassed because, at least, he was fully clothed.  
  
When I opened my eyes again, I saw a piece of paper on the ground.  
  
I knew I shouldn't have read it because it was the boy's, but for some reason, it was addressed to me. I curiously unfolded the paper and read it.  
  
I stood there for a long while in my towel with the paper in my hand, but I was staring at the door that the boy had closed behind him.  
  
During dinner, Touma explained to me that he sent Eiri's little brother to find something that he had brought home as a gift for him. He winked at me.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" I said while eating my dinner.  
  
"I was going to give him a video of Nittle Grasper, but instead, I gave him the wrong directions." He began to laugh as he patted my back.  
  
"You're evil."  
  
"Well, hearing what happened was funny," he chuckled. "Tatsuha-kun got two gifts. You and the video."  
  
I laughed as I stopped eating. "_I'm_ a gift?"  
  
Touma then folded his hands, leaned his chin on his fingers and smiled with his eyes half-closed like a cat's. "That boy is such a rabid, fanboy over you, you don't even _want_ to know how bad it is."  
  
I blinked at him and pointed at myself. "You're kidding! He never even looked like that. He was so polite."  
  
Touma shook his head and gave me a serious look. "I wouldn't be surprised if he was in love with you because he's so devoted."  
  
"I…" I started to say, but I found myself becoming a little embarrassed. "I'm flattered that there are people like that…"  
  
Touma hit me on the head. "As if you're not fanatical about singing."  
  
I smiled at him, but I couldn't tell him the truth of the letter the boy had dropped. I kept it in my pocket.  
  
Then, I laughed, "I'm a guy! Maybe you're just misreading his admiration for something else."  
  
Touma shook his head again and laughed as he got off the table to get some liquor to drink. "Nope… Tatsuha's not like that."  
  
I went to bed that night and stared at the direction of the door. I read the note again and shook my head in disbelief. Turning off the light, I settled into my bed.  
  
"No one could ever love someone that much. Much less me."  
  
I was afraid of someone falling in love with me.   
  
For if they knew everything about me, would they be that devoted afterwards?  
  
I sighed as I fell asleep while saying, "You're wrong, Touma. That boy just feels admiration."  
  
Holding the note close to me, I shook my head.   
  
Being too honest for my own good, some part of me, at that moment, said,  
  
"You should go after him and ask him what this letter means. But if you find out, what will you do, Ryuichi?"  
  
tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Just like Subaru and Seishirou, I know I cannot last not doing a Ryuichi and Tatsuha fic for too long. Even though I have not written a formal one except one shots since Aching Desire, I keep on reading Aching Desire, regardless. It's one of my favorite fics to write, so the idea for this one came up.  
  
All of them were in Tatsuha's perspective, so here's Ryuichi. I will call this the 'prequel' to Nagareboshi because I felt that Ryuichi needed his say. At first I thought that there would actually be no depth, as in nothing new, if I brought out his perspective. It would only repeat the small flashbacks that he and Tatsuha shared, especially the ones where Tatsuha doesn't know Ryuichi's watching him.  
  
I am making this fic, even though I have a million others in progress, because I'm addicted to this pairing. I love them so much and the thought of Ryuichi being more obsessed over Tatsuha really is scary, but sincerely genuine and so cute in my mind!  
  
Daijoubu – It's all right/It's okay. 


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: yui doesn't own gravitation. She's just a rabid fangirl of Ryuichi, Tatsuha, Hiro, and Shuichi. Mirror mirror _is_ mine though.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
Chapter 1 – wrapped in ink.  
  
March 4, 1996.  
  
Song of the day: Dancing all alone by Smile d.k.  
  
"Ryuichi-sama?" a voice was calling out to me.  
  
"Hmm?" I said with blurry eyes as I turned over to find the boy's face in front of mine. Only, he had grown to be a little bit older. Maybe about sixteen-years-old.   
  
He was holding onto the end of my bed like a little kid, clenching the white sheets in his hands. But he was just staring at me while a fascination in his gentle eyes.  
  
I immediately opened my eyes wide, but by the way he looked at me, I didn't feel too alarmed. It was as if he was looking at a rare specimen of some sort.  
  
I actually felt comfortable because it felt so peaceful…  
  
…well, that was until he was leaning closer to me and whispered to my ear, "Ryuichi-sama? Ryuichi-sama? I'm sorry for waking you up."  
  
I blushed, but I got up from my bed.  
  
Looking around, I found myself still in bed. And I woke up with Touma blowing into my ear. When I really jumped up from bed, he started to laugh while folding his arms. He was still wearing pajamas and I sighed as I hit him on the shoulder. "What the hell was that for?!"  
  
"Having fun while I still have you here." He sat on the bed and looked at me as I slumped back into bed turning my back towards him.  
  
With my hand still under my pillow, I kept the letter there and slipped my hand out. In relief, I glanced at him. He turned his head towards the window and sighed. "How do you feel about this room? Sleep well?"  
  
"That's a weird thing to ask, but my answers are good and yes." But I still kept my back towards him because I was blushing at the dream and at him blowing my ear.  
  
I must be some pervert…  
  
What's happening to me?!  
  
I see this one person who's about thirteen-year-old…isn't that how old Touma said he was? Yes, that's right.  
  
But this is so wrong! And that letter…that letter isn't letting me go so easily.  
  
"This room was my father's favorite," Touma said as he leaned his back on my own. "I don't know why, but _I_ know why I like it so much."  
  
He turned around and acted like a little kid, while making his hand like a cat's paw while stroking my cheek. "It's because of that blue-tiled house over there. You can see it so clearly."  
  
I turned over as he positioned himself to sleep on the bed. Draping my arm around his waist, I asked, "Why that house?"  
  
"Mika, Eiri, and Tatsuha live there," he answered with a smile. "They're like family to me, even though I'm more close to Mika and Eiri."  
  
Tatsuha lives there…  
  
But some part of me was screaming, "No, you hentai! What the hell are you thinking of ?! Showing up on his doorstep and saying, 'Hey, I got your note. I want to know if this means…more.'"  
  
Internally, I shook my head as some part of me suddenly got all possessive over Touma.  
  
"Touma?" I started to get a little jealous as I bit on his ear.  
  
"Yes, Ryuichi?" He lifted up his eyebrow.   
  
I then let go of his ear and turned him to face me while I put my palm over his pajama top. Playing with his buttons, I started to take them off. "Why am I here?"  
  
When I stopped, he laughed. "Pretty good performance at the office, huh? 'Need to spiffen him up, my ass. Be back in a week.' You're all mine for a week. None of this you're engaged to Emily. The world is outside that door."  
  
As he positioned himself to kiss me on the neck, he whispered into my ear, "Well, that's their problem."  
  
I started to kiss him, but as he was pushing off my top off, I gulped. "Touma…Touma…"  
  
He stopped kissing me. "What happened?"  
  
I shook my head. "I'm…sorry."  
  
He hung his head as he sighed while leaning his body over mine. Hugging me, he ran his fingers through my hair and whispered into my ear, "It's all right. Don't worry."  
  
I closed my eyes as I told him, "I'm…"  
  
At that moment, he sat me up as I shook my head. Pushing him away, I grabbed my shirt and started to breathe heavily. "Can't breathe…can't breathe…"  
  
He immediately got my inhaler from the first drawer. He knew where it was because he forced me to get one in the first place. "Here."  
  
I took it and used it. He rubbed my back as I closed my eyes painfully. Leaning my head on his shoulder, I said, "When will this ever go away?"  
  
I grabbed his face as I looked into it. Smiling sheepishly, I kissed him on the lips as best as I could. Then, I hugged him. "I'm sorry that you have to deal with me."  
  
I calmed down as we just laid there on the bed with his arms around me.   
  
Even physically…  
  
I was keeping people away from me.  
  
This self-infliction was eating me alive.  
  
Throughout the day, we ended up just going to his bed and just watching television or reading. Actually, he was studying our performances while I was biting on the end of my pencil and writing in my special notebook.   
  
"What have we got here?" Touma asked as he took my notebook. "New song lyrics?"  
  
I nodded my head while sighing at them at the same time. "I've got one line and I can't seem to write more. I'm stuck!"  
  
He handed me back the notebook. "A challenge! This time you write the lyrics and I make the melody while Nuriko arranges it?"  
  
I smiled. "Cool! That ought to make things a bit interesting."  
  
"I need a challenge," Touma moaned as he leaned his face closer to the tv.   
  
"Arrogant bastard," I sarcastically remarked while shaking my head and looking at the row of blank lines in front of me.  
  
"I love it when you talk like that." He smirked as he glanced at me for a moment with cat eyes.  
  
"But seriously, Ryuichi, you need to see this." He pointed at the tv and rewound the tape while I put my pencil down.  
  
"I've watched that a million times already. Why do you think I'm able to ignore it right now?"  
  
"Yes, but I need you to see it again."  
  
I grumbled as I looked at the video of myself while singing "Mirror, mirror".  
  
"Looking at the mirror, mirror,  
  
tell me what I should be,  
  
instead of what I pretend to be?  
  
I blindly place my hands on your surface  
  
Thinking we have the same temperature.  
  
I'm not turning into ice,  
  
I'm already frozen within.  
  
Can't see myself, can't see myself…"  
  
I was such a perfectionist that I watched my videos so many times to catch all the mistakes I knew I had done and the ones with my movements to make them more smooth. I thought I had gotten better since the time that I just stood in one place and performed with moving my hands. Hmm…  
  
"There." Touma zoomed in on me while I was opening my eyes. I held my hand out, but not towards the crowd.  
  
I wondered what was wrong…  
  
"The hand movement. I should have held both my hands towards the crowd."  
  
"No, you should have pantomimed it making it seem like there was a glass pane between you and your audience. Good observation, but there's something else." He patted my head. "Think about it."  
  
I sighed as I shook my head. "I can't see it…"  
  
After a few minutes, he rewound and played the tape again.  
  
"You're cold, Ryuichi." He rewound the tape again and we watched it again.  
  
I watched it while trying to understand what he meant, but at that moment, I couldn't. "I know I can't get the feel…There's something…"  
  
"What's wrong, Ryuichi?"  
  
That I'm not where I thought I should be.  
  
I looked at him while pouting. "I'm so lost…"  
  
"Why do you sing, Ryuichi?" He pulled my shoulder and I leaned on him with confused eyes. "You told me years ago that it was your life staple, but what happened after that?"  
  
He looked at me with concerned eyes that couldn't understand my inner dilemma.  
  
Hell, I could only pinpoint half of my problem and I couldn't even understand myself.  
  
"I don't know…" I shook my head. "I don't know what the hell I want."  
  
At that, I became quiet, but I got up and went to my room. Opening the curtains widely, I stood there in the dark, staring at the house where Tatsuha lived. Unconsciously, I reached out for it with my hand. At realizing what I was doing, I immediately pulled my hand away.  
  
What the hell was happening to me?  
  
I took the letter from under the pillow and read it again. It was this damned thing.  
  
This was what triggered my anxiety attack…  
  
"I've listened to you everyday wondering what are you singing for?   
  
Who do you sing for?  
  
I listen because I want to know more,  
  
To know more about you.  
  
And I find no answers at all.  
  
Just a poster on a wall that I talk to.  
  
Embarrassed as I am, I take no shame when people tell me I admire you more than I should. And that's just fine by me, because you'll never know me.  
  
Because you'll never know me, I can do what I want without you watching me.  
  
But that's all wrong, I want to meet you just once to tell myself I live in a dream  
  
And I've got to wake up.  
  
I didn't listen to you because you're popular. I didn't listen because you knew what to sing.  
  
I listened because you never lied. Even if the world's not fair.  
  
And I don't think it's fair. Just once, I want to know if I'm wrong.  
  
I want to know if what I feel is wrong.  
  
Tell me that it is shameful so that I'll stop.  
  
How can I fall in love with you?  
  
Because you'll never know me,  
  
I'll go on with life while listening to your songs.  
  
And that's all right, you'll never meet me just once  
  
For me to tell you that I like your style and you've made me a better person.  
  
Just because I listened…  
  
Just because I listened to your songs…"  
  
I crumbled to the floor while glancing at Tatsuha's home.   
  
This shouldn't have affected me. He's only thirteen-years-old. What should he know about love? How can you fall in love with someone you don't know too well?  
  
I'm a liar.  
  
I only act on stage…  
  
I began to become a little ball squishing myself into one corner.  
  
Shaking my head, I started to cry.  
  
What the hell was happening to me?!  
  
Why was I feeling this way?  
  
How could I have changed you? I'm not…  
  
I'm just an actor on the stage. I have confidence only when I perform and that's it.  
  
I look like I have everything in order, but I don't.  
  
I've only shown you this side of me…  
  
You don't know anything else…  
  
How can you fall in love with me?  
  
Is that even called love?  
  
As the door opened, Touma came over to me, but I hid the letter in my pocket.  
  
"Ryuichi…" He shook his head as he kneeled towards me. "I…I don't know what's wrong. Shh…it's all right…"  
  
He hugged me as I just continued to cry. Sobbing, I told him, "Every time I hope more than I should, I'm only disappointed."  
  
I don't know how to answer this fan letter.  
  
It's so different from the usual interview questions or the admiration of fans who want to know about you…  
  
…not about who you are.  
  
Sometimes the side you show them is the only thing they want to see. They sometimes don't want to accept other parts that you've shown them, especially the not-so-perfect attributes.  
  
This letter was reaching deep inside of me,  
  
Making me bare and naked with its depth.  
  
It was killing me with its beauty.  
  
It was scaring me with its pure honesty.  
  
Why…  
  
Why was I so transparent to this boy?  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Whoa…this Ryuichi piece has really gotten down and personal. It's presented a lot more issues than I was expecting to write about. It's hard for me to write about truly personal stuff, but I am trying my best.  
  
Yes, I understand this song by Smile d.k. was only released by 1999, but just bear with me. I'm just trying to convey a feel, the story itself is really on a timeline (not including X/Tokyo Babylon), which is unlike my other stories. 


	3. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Gravitation is by Murakami Maki-sama.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 2 - futsuu no ai...janai. (not...an ordinary love.)  
  
March 6, 1996 -  
  
Song of the day: Come Undone by Duran Duran  
  
I slept in Touma's room after that. I've been here for two days and we've stayed in his room just resting and watching television. He wouldn't let me write lyrics.  
  
Touma knew. He wouldn't accept me staying alone whenever I got this way. Many things could happen and they had happened before whenever someone left me alone to 'think'. I thought too much about my life and certain things would spin out of control.  
  
"Thank you, Touma," I said whenever I slipped into the covers while hugging him closer like a teddy bear.   
  
He sighed and asked, "What was the trigger?"  
  
But I wouldn't say anything.  
  
One thing led to another and it would overwhelm me to the point that I would just stop doing whatever I was doing and break down. My moods went up and down. Down and up.  
  
I had told him many things that I didn't tell anyone, but there were many things I couldn't explain to him. The web that had been weaved before me. I tried to once, but failed.  
  
The boy had read me so clearly and completely that I was scared.  
  
Who _did_ I sing for? What for? Why?  
  
I sang to have freedom and choose what I wanted in life. And now that I had my freedom, there were restraints to it too.  
  
There were many who wanted me to sing. They loved my voice. And even though I appreciated all their fan letters and efforts to help me live the lifestyle I liked, that was all they wanted.   
  
A voice.  
  
I only provide them a voice in which they fantasize of whatever they want.  
  
It was like with Shinya.  
  
He told stories through his last few years of singing, and that's whom I worshipped when I was growing up. I knew how it was to be on the other end thinking he was so cool and talented. I wanted to be as talented as him.  
  
I wanted his charm and charisma. The things I didn't have, except on stage.  
  
Having confidence.  
  
The freedom actually put me to two extremes and tore me apart. Around people, I was okay, but when I was by myself, I would see all the things that I wanted and what I didn't have.  
  
But what did really I want now?  
  
So, in truth, now, I was singing for myself, but not able to share this extreme love with anyone else. Who would understand this little kid inside of me and the broken man along with it? Both embedded within the same person?  
  
Right now, I was singing to keep alive. To survive in this world.  
  
An outlet with no particular destination.  
  
"I can't explain it to you, Touma. It's too much..." I finally said as I closed my eyes and held him closer.  
  
"I think you should go see a doctor about this."  
  
I shook my head as I started to cry all over again. "No...not again..."  
  
"Then see another one."  
  
"They see me as a thing." I opened my eyes as I held onto his pajama top desparately. "Not as a person."  
  
I pleaded, "Please...please don't make me go again. I've had enough. No more sedatives or stupid tests."  
  
"I hate seeing you like this, Ryuichi," he told me with a worried tone, something rare in his calm attitude towards everything. Then he sighed as he told me while running his hands through my hair while kissing my forehead. "Okay, okay...stop crying. I'll never mention this again. Shh...shh...I'm sorry."  
  
I buried myself in his embrace as I kept on sniffling.  
  
--  
  
Today, I woke up next to Touma and looked at the notebook. I didn't touch it until night.  
  
I had to face this...  
  
I will fight against it.  
  
Whatever it was.  
  
They told me I was mentally unstable...  
  
...but I will prove them wrong. No matter what or how long it will take.  
  
This war within myself will subside someday.  
  
At that moment, I looked at Touma as he watched television. Taking off my arm, I touched my notebook again. "I will try it again."  
  
He nodded his head as he patted my hand. "Go for it."  
  
When he pulled away, I took the pencil in my hand again and turned to another clean page.  
  
"To know more about you..." I thought to myself over and over as I stared at the blank page before me.  
  
I couldn't even imagine his voice saying this because I was only reading Tatsuha's note.  
  
The note that made me melt with just touching it...  
  
This will break me.  
  
And it will become my lucky charm.  
  
I will start off with what he asked. Even though they won't know, I will start over again.  
  
I'll be open to be hurt so that you'll understand me.  
  
Be as honest with my feelings as I am when I touch people with my hands.  
  
Touma smiled at me as he saw me scribbling, but some part of me started to feel a little guilty.  
  
Though it was he who was helping me out with everything until now, he wasn't the one I was writing this to.  
  
April 4th, 1996 -  
  
Song of the day: Secret Garden by Gackt  
  
I kept that note with me everywhere I went. It was inside of my wallet, hidden in one of the pockets. I couldn't live without it.   
  
We were performing at so many places for our tour, but I was jumping all over the place. Nuriko was actually patting my head in delight as she commented, "I'm glad you're cheering up, Ryuichi!"  
  
I would smile while handing Touma a new set of lyrics to challenge him as he smirked at me. Grabbing to one side of the stage and into his room, he would press me against the wall and kiss me so long that I would kid that I'd need several inhalers if he kept on taking my oxygen like that.   
  
"It's for good luck," he would always tell me whenever we were preparing for a new concert.  
  
So, you could say, I was very 'healthy' in front of everyone.  
  
How could the staff ever suspect that I actually had some mild anxiety disorder? Only Touma knew and he was the only one I allowed myself to tell.   
  
You couldn't have imagined how hard it was to tell him and for him saying, "So what?"  
  
I cried so much that I couldn't help but fall in deeper into him since high school.  
  
As we progressed through our tour, each sold out concert would prompt us to sometimes make an extra arrangement to do another one so that those fans could go. I was exhausted by the end of the day and even though I should have stayed with Touma secretly while Nuriko had her own room, I said I would stay in my own room. I felt like Touma was too crowded by me and I needed my space too.  
  
--  
  
Today, I prepared for the concert only one hour before I had to go on stage. There will still some people who didn't understand how I was, but Touma just brushed them off saying, "He knows what he's doing." Then, that was the end of that.  
  
As soon as the concert was about to being, Touma patted me on the shoulder.   
  
"The Uesugi siblings are coming to the concert today," Touma said with a smile as we were walking towards the stage.  
  
I just nodded my head slightly.  
  
Tatsuha...  
  
At that moment, as soon as Nuriko and Touma ran onto the stage. I closed my eyes and became very serious as I ran onto the stage, took my mic and shouted, "Good evening, minna-san~!!"  
  
The crowd roared and I smiled as I lifted my hand and snapped my fingers to start singing "Mirror, Mirror."  
  
"Looking at the mirror, mirror,  
  
tell me what I should be,  
  
instead of what I pretend to be?  
  
I blindly place my hands on your surface  
  
Thinking we have the same temperature.  
  
I'm not turning into ice,  
  
I'm frozen within.  
  
Can't see myself, can't see myself..."  
  
This time, I lifted up my hand as if I blocking the view of my audience. I closed my eyes and opened them again to have my hand in a 'stop' position while slowly taking it down as if I were rubbing onto a cold mirror. While I was doing that with a smirk, I stopped my hand for a moment.  
  
I was looking perfectly straight at Tatsuha and began to lose my cool.  
  
Tears started to well up in my eyes as I reached out to the audience with this same hand as if to catch him,  
  
"So far away,  
  
I'm an illusion   
  
Even before myself.  
  
Will you find me?  
  
Maybe...  
  
Maybe a mirror is   
  
How you should look at me.  
  
Self-deception..."  
  
My heart began to ache from that point on as I finally understood. I now understood what Nanjo Koji was doing. I was beginning to get the feel I wanted.  
  
I was doing things more naturally as I thought of singing for that boy.  
  
That boy who could see me now, but couldn't see through my actions.  
  
I couldn't breathe, but I was singing my heart out. Making myself bleed in front of him.  
  
I wanted him to see me.  
  
I wanted him to understand me...  
  
Touma, Nuriko and the others were smiling when we ended. I patted my forehead with a towel as everyone commented how great this concert was.  
  
Touma smirked at me and said, "Something is different. I think you're beginning to understand what I meant..."  
  
I smiled back and answered, "Yes, I understand a lot of things now."  
  
But the smiling Ryuichi crumbled as soon as he got back to his hotel room.  
  
I found myself alone again in my hotel room and looking out the window, down at the city. In this darkness, I opened the balcony door and leaned my hands on the railing. I found myself sighing and then I let go.  
  
I went back into my hotel room so that Touma wouldn't see me on the balcony. Closing the door behind me, I grabbed a pillow and sat on one side of the bed, away from looking at the city.  
  
I cried and cried into the pillow, saying how painful my chest was.  
  
"It's so painful..." I would say in confusion, wondering if I was saying this out of bitterness towards Tatsuha's letter or at the fact that sometimes, things were so clear to me, even though I denied the truth.  
  
I writhed in pain and squirmed as I closed my eyes and half shouted into my pillow, breathlessly so that no one would hear me. "I can't stand being alone."  
  
No one to sing for.  
  
No one to tell this to.  
  
A high must see a low. Chocolate in the afternoon and being tickled by Touma would having me crashing by the evening hours.  
  
Even Touma didn't about these times because I was so ashamed of myself for being so pathetic.  
  
And yet, that letter was torturing me so slowly as the days went by.  
  
It was strangling me today.  
  
Tatsuha may understand you, but how old is he? He's fifteen years younger than you, Ryuichi.  
  
This isn't right. Why are you falling in love with a child?   
  
But I don't want to fall in love.  
  
I will only be hurt by it. That's how it always is.  
  
Stop this before you get too serious!  
  
You are just an idol. You will fade in his eyes very soon.  
  
It's only a phase for him.  
  
The tears would come out even faster from my eyes.  
  
I felt myself bleeding more and more at this thought.  
  
Maybe I _was_ going crazy.  
  
But for a different reason: Uesugi Tatsuha.  
  
For the more you find out who I am,  
  
The more I will kill myself in your eyes.  
  
But I will do it for you.  
  
"I want to hear your voice again, Tatsuha..." I whispered to myself sorrowfully. "I want you to read this letter to me someday."  
  
Tell me...  
  
Tell me that it's sincere.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I know a lot of people don't like talking about anxiety attacks or the like because it's difficult to talk about. I'm not doing this as a story arc for sympathy. I'm writing this because it's a reality that many people face.  
  
In this sense alone, this is much is true. I have been there. I have done that.  
  
And I took this angle with Ryuichi because he's the one with the up and down moods, which I think are worse than Shuichi's. Shuichi's moods, you can see because that's just how he is. Ryuichi, you don't really see because he's not the main character. There's always a debate on which is the 'true' Ryuichi, but we see that both sides, man and child, are what make him adorable and interesting.   
  
So, thank you for sticking it out with me. It's not easy to write, but I'm pretty sure it's just as hard to read through. 


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: yui doesn't own gravi. I do own the lyrics for 'sweet poison'.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 3 – sweet poison.  
  
April 5th, 1996  
  
Song of the day: Ibara no Namida by L'arc en Ciel   
  
I fell asleep hugging my pillow and when I woke up, there was rain pouring from the sky. I put my pillow back on the bed and opened the balcony door to watch the rain falling. Feeling my swollen eyes, I closed them and leaned forward to kiss the rain.  
  
Some drops slid from my lips down my neck and into my shirt.  
  
It's like this.  
  
This is how love feels like…  
  
I went inside and left the balcony door right open. As I sat on my bed, I took my notebook and began to write words down as if the lyrics were just bursting to come out. I even made a melody for it.   
  
That morning, I slipped into Touma's room with the extra key he had given to me. I closed the door behind me and kept my hand on it with my head down. I didn't want to disturb him, but I wanted to tell him something.  
  
He was sleeping on top of his covers with his arm over his eyes. I crawled onto the bed and he turned to one side, but didn't wake up.   
  
"I'm sorry…" I whispered into his ear. Then, I placed my finger on his bare chest and made imaginary circles to tickle him.  
  
When he was blinking his eyes sleepily, he saw me and smiled.  
  
I leaned down to kiss him with a smile on my face. "Good morning, Touma!" I said in English.  
  
Waving up and down, I brought out my notebook. "I want this."  
  
He blinked at me as he got up and took his glasses from his stand. He never showed anyone that he had glasses, and soon, he was going to have his eyes fixed. I handed him the pad as I pushed on his belly button. "Please?"  
  
"This is an entirely new song to learn in less than six hours, Ryuichi," he said as he read the lyrics before him. "Hmm…"  
  
I gave him a pout and with my eyes begging for him to comply.   
  
"Brat," he answered as he put the notebook to one side along with his glasses. Then, he pushed me onto the bed while leaning towards me like an animal ready to pounce its prey. "I like it."  
  
I laughed as I smiled while poking his nose. "Yea~!"  
  
"Who would think that Japan's idol is such a fucking brat?" he teased as he bit my ear while licking it. He scolded playfully, "Waking me up way before our tv appointment today and with a new song. You must be punished."  
  
"Ryuichi's been bad?" I blinked innocently at him, trying to keep a straight face.  
  
"Just the way I like him," Touma chuckled as he began to push away my pajama top from my shoulder and bite me lightly like a vampire.  
  
"You sure know many ways to kiss someone." I laughed as he began to take chocolate from his stand and ate some. Then, he began to push some down my own mouth.  
  
"Oh you haven't seen anything yet," he smirked as his hand wandered…  
  
I went to the television station with Nuriko and Tohma on a super high. Nuriko had to keep me out of trouble while pulling on my collar. "I'm sorry!" I would say.  
  
Touma would laugh to himself while Nuriko scolded, "You gave him chocolate, didn't you?!"  
  
"Ryuichi's more interesting this way, don't you think, Nuriko-chan?" Touma then folded his arms and sat on his chair patiently waiting for the time to pass.  
  
I would look at Nuriko and put my hands together. "I'll be good, I swear!"  
  
She let go and sat down on her chair exasperated. "I really like this new song, so you're temporarily off the hook."  
  
"We sound like we're bored," I said as I sat on the couch with my arms out and my legs crossed.   
  
"Trends, Ryuichi," Touma said as he took the cup of coffee from a table. "We've got to rise to the next level."  
  
I lifted up my thumb in agreement. Then, I got up as I pulled on my pants because they were super tight around my ass and on my shirt. Nuriko came over to me and flicked off all the buttons except one. She patted my stomach. "Good."  
  
She looked at herself in the mirror. "Ponytail okay. Tight black skirt and burgundy tube top, check."  
  
"Okay with you guys?" she asked us.   
  
We nodded at her as I went to Touma.   
  
Nuriko went out first and I sat on one of Touma's legs while fixing his collar. "You're not telling me something."  
  
He just kept quiet as he eluded my question.  
  
We then followed Nuriko's lead and went to the front. But not without me listening to the tape while walking over there.  
  
As we assembled for our performance, I gave a glance to Touma while taking out my earphones and putting them to one side of the room. I adjusted the mic as Nuriko tested out the keys while Touma looked at the keyboard, pressing the keys with his eyes. He was calculating everything as he always did.  
  
"You start when the curtains open."  
  
We nodded our heads as our name was called.  
  
The male host, Tanaka-san, shouted, "And here's our special guest. Nittle Grasper!!!"  
  
The crowd cheered as the red curtains pushed to either side of the stage. And my mouth totally lost its smile. My lips became thin as I closed my eyes. I grabbed on the stand.  
  
This is mine.  
  
I don't want you to just shout…  
  
I want you to stop breathing.  
  
With my eyes still closed, Touma and Nuriko started to play the song. I whispered, "sweet poison":  
  
"The rain pours and pours  
  
a lost humanity within my fingertips.  
  
I feel, but I cannot see.  
  
I'm blind, but I can't reach.  
  
Deep within myself,  
  
I sleep for forty thousand years."  
  
I opened my eyes to find that Tatsuha was there before me. My eyes opened slightly wide in surprise as I looked at other audience members while grabbing the mic before me.  
  
"Calling out to find  
  
There is really no voice.  
  
Things change and   
  
People want things to stay the same.  
  
Next to you,  
  
I see eternity and destruction  
  
At the same time."  
  
Holding one hand out, I winked at him even though it looked like I was making the crowd swoon.  
  
"The mermaid loves to smile  
  
With eyes that  
  
Bring forth fake pearls for tears.  
  
I kill myself   
  
Each time you look at me.  
  
I am walking in the darkness  
  
Towards you  
  
And you just look at me  
  
As if I don't know  
  
You're backing away from me."  
  
Putting both hands on the stand again and crisscrossed my wrists while lifting them up slowly as if I were rubbing the stand. I tilted my head and looked at the camera with a smile.  
  
"The rain continues.  
  
We're looking at one another  
  
Not understanding one another.  
  
I find a bloody war  
  
Stained with only my own blood.  
  
Beautiful muse   
  
You take everything away from me.  
  
Don't look away  
  
As I reach out for you,  
  
I'll fall off the ledge  
  
Not knowing this was hell.  
  
I can't tell the difference  
  
When you're not around."  
  
Smiling at Tatsuha, I couldn't breathe as I found my knees wanting to crumble.  
  
"Can't tell the difference…  
  
So much confusion…  
  
I love the illusion  
  
You give me.  
  
A possessive mermaid  
  
Who can't let go of   
  
Her lover's chopped head.  
  
Holding him tightly.  
  
Tasting my blood,  
  
Will I poison you  
  
Just as well?  
  
Or have I been   
  
Already deceived?  
  
They say you can live forever  
  
With this elixir  
  
Called love  
  
They didn't tell you  
  
It was just as easy  
  
To die from it."  
  
When the audience clapped, I held my hand up and looked at everyone. But I glanced back at him before I left the stage.  
  
As we went to the back, I smiled at Touma and Nuriko. But then, I took my jacket and said, "I'll see you back at the hotel."  
  
Before Touma could protest, I ran. I ran as fast as I could not really knowing how to control myself.  
  
I was going to explode and I didn't know where to turn.  
  
I found myself in a street corner with my shades on. At that moment, I was looking at Tatsuha and his brother getting into their family car. I lifted up my head and watched him step in. He glanced my way, but he couldn't have seen me with all the people in his way.  
  
I ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction. I ran to the park and found a private area in between the bushes. I began to lean on the tree as I brought out my inhaler to use it.  
  
"I want that boy…" I breathless said while helplessly feeling restless and jittery.  
  
I did one of my best performances today.  
  
And yet I couldn't be proud of myself. There was only him on my mind.  
  
I tried to breath calmly, but the pain deep inside of my heart wouldn't go away. It just became more unbearable.  
  
"I want him…" I told myself while my hands twitched, rubbing fingers together in agitation.  
  
I knew I was already damned when I looked at him…  
  
I imagined his tender eyes in my head again…  
  
Yes, I was in love.  
  
But before I could touch him, I was going to cut myself into shreds.  
  
I was going to tear myself apart and lose my mind.  
  
I sighed as I began to close my eyes.  
  
This loneliness was going to eat me away.  
  
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I didn't realize I stopped breathing for a couple of seconds because my heart just felt like it was going to burst. Ryuichi is really damned in this fic, but I tried to paint a realistic picture of him and his inner battle. 


	5. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Murakami Maki-sensei owns Gravitation. Midnight Crow isn't mine.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 4 – Hitotsu. (First.)  
  
April 6th, 1996  
  
Song of the day: Midnight Crow by Lucifer  
  
But as dismal as I was feeling, like the hollow within my chest was just getting bigger and bigger, I stopped crying. I looked at my wet hands and realized how moist they were. There was a puddle within my hands as if it had rained and rained for a few days. Except, it wasn't the sky crying for me. It was me. When the sky finished crying this morning, I didn't realize that I would be the one to pour my tears so carelessly in public.  
  
I never liked doing that. In all my life, my problems stayed within me because I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't want anyone to know because I was ashamed of my weaknesses. Though I realized that they were only a part of human nature, when one smiles, who was to know how much weight went into its sincerity?  
  
When I smile for the cameras or for other people, I feel their happiness for a fleeting moment. Is that so weird to say? And then, they think that I reflect my own happiness onto them. How misunderstood this gesture was, and yet it continued to exist between everyone I knew.  
  
Even Touma.  
  
He was my best friend in high school and even though he would prefer to take care of me forever, would I let him? Even until now, I was unwilling to part with my inner demons and give them to him. Even if he was willing to do that for me. Why? Because I knew I had to endure it.  
  
When I was shouted at or made fun of at school when I was young, I looked at those people in silence. I just gave them a smile.  
  
How destructive a smile can be.  
  
I smiled widely when I was feeling my worst.  
  
Opening my hands, I let the water flow out as I watched it fall down to the grass. I got up and wiped my tears away. It wasn't out of courage. It was out of frustration, anger, and anguish.  
  
This was going to eat me, but I had to fight it. And fight, I must.  
  
I got up and zipped up my jacket. I put my shades into my pocket and walked down the streets trying to find some ice cream shop. Instead, I found a karaoke bar. I went inside, got a private room, and sang until it closed.  
  
This wasn't unusual for me. I sang whenever I knew my emotions were too full and needed to be released, even if it was just a temporary comfort. I could have gone anywhere, but I had to confront my feelings. Standing in front of a television, I pretended to not know the words as I read English and Japanese lyrics flash before me.  
  
"Tenshi mieru sa…"  
  
(You look like an angel…)  
  
I sighed as I tried the song again, Midnight Crow. I sang it better the next time.  
  
I let myself go.  
  
As I left the karaoke bar, I smiled at the owner as she gave me a good look. "Aren't you…"  
  
I winked as I gave her the yen she asked for and left.  
  
She looked after and asked, "Don't you want your change?"  
  
I shook my head with a smile. "Don't need it."  
  
I then called a cab and went back to the hotel.  
  
At least…  
  
At least for one more night, I would survive in the coldness that enraptured me.  
  
Or so I thought.  
  
There was Touma, without a care in the world, standing in front of my doorway with his arms crossed and ready to light up a cigarette. He arched his eyebrow as he saw me.  
  
"I hate it when you smoke." I took the unlit cigarette and crushed it in my fingers.  
  
"I hate it when you leave without telling me where the fuck you're going," he told me in an icy tone.  
  
Ah, the usual reprimand. I wasn't immune to it, and yet I wasn't blind to it.  
  
I opened my door as he let himself in. I turned on the light, opened the balcony door, and started to change into my pajamas in front of him.   
  
"Where were you, Ryuichi?" Touma asked as he folded his arms while looking at me take off my shirt.  
  
"I went to a karaoke bar," I answered while looking at him as I put on my pants. "I was there all night."  
  
He closed his eyes in obvious disdain and irritation. "You know how worried I was?"  
  
"You needn't worry too much about me, Touma," I told him while straightening out my top. "I'm not a child. I know exactly what I'm doing."  
  
He then seized my wrist firmly. "Dammit, Ryuichi! Stop thinking about yourself all the time. If you were me, what else would you think?!"  
  
I squinted at him and seriously answered, "I'm still not used to you caring."  
  
At that moment, I threw his hand away and he let go of his grip. "I'm not used to anyone giving a damn about me!"  
  
"Well, get used to it." He then got a hold of my wrists as he looked me in the eye with a deathly stare. "You…"  
  
At that moment, his eyes wavered. There was a wash of pain over them to the point of tears.  
  
My anger subsided as I realized that my insecurities over Touma had only hurt us both.  
  
He put his arms around me as he sighed in relief. In a moment of weakness, he whispered, "I thought you were doing it again. I thought I was going to lose you for sure this time."  
  
"Am I that easy to read?" I sighed as I looked up to the ceiling trying not to cry.  
  
"Only to me, Ryuichi," he told me as he let go of me. "But sometimes, I'm not so sure."  
  
As he looked at me, he turned around as he said, "The arrangements for an omiai are underway between the Uesugis and my family."  
  
My feet started to become cold as I took a deep breath.  
  
No…  
  
Don't tell me this now…  
  
For the first time in his life, Touma and I were on a different wavelength. I was standing right in front of him unable to say anything about Tatsuha or the scattered thoughts going through my demented mind. Things were so broken inside of me, and I looked so well put together.  
  
For now, the glue that kept me from falling apart was Touma.  
  
It had always been Touma. Since high school, I knew that this crush would develop to be something more. But as always, I was scared of it ending.  
  
I didn't want to be left all alone again.  
  
But that was something I had no control over. That was something my pride wouldn't let me say to anyone. No matter how much I wanted it.  
  
That was something Touma loved about me: I was too sweet. I was too honest for my own good.  
  
I didn't say anything.  
  
"They really want me to marry her." He turned around as he gave me that unreadable smile that made me want to rip his mask away from him. "I've not sorted out my feelings over this, but I've liked her for a long time. You know that."  
  
And where does this leave me?  
  
"You were the persistent one." I smiled at him. The smile of my own defense. The weird one that conveyed that I was too polite to say anything to keep myself together.  
  
"Ryuichi…" He sighed as he tried to reach out for me. "…but I've liked you even longer. You have to understand that I…if you would make a decision-"  
  
I backed away as I said, "Don't touch me."  
  
My heart was breaking all over again.  
  
The loose seams that had been stitched lightly were now beginning to break within me.  
  
Then, my smile became even wider as I looked at him trying so hard not to cry. "You never told me you'd take care of me, Touma. It's all right. Stop feeling guilty."  
  
I started to laugh. "It's not like you said you'd be with me forever."  
  
Ache…  
  
Then, I closed my eyes as he stood before me. I opened them again and stared at him directly in the eyes. "You're not the first to disappoint me. You're not the first to make me hope you'd care about me."  
  
A tear slipped from my eye.  
  
"You're not the first to break my heart, so don't think you're too special."  
  
At that moment that he was about to hold me, I pushed him away as I grabbed for my coat, keys, and wallet. Walking out the door, I smiled even then. Even when his back was towards me and his eyes were blankly looking out the balcony door.  
  
I just couldn't tell him that I knew.  
  
I knew this day would eventually come.  
  
And I wasn't going to stop him from marrying Mika as he couldn't stop my own family from marrying into Emily's. But I was going to try.  
  
I actually had the courage to fight for you, Touma. But now, you'll never know that because I could see it in your eyes. The care I wanted was different from what you'd give me.  
  
I could see that now.  
  
The way we loved each other was suffocating.  
  
We were emptying ourselves unfairly. Giving and taking too much until we would become bare for one another.  
  
I knew that and yet I continued to hope…  
  
Because I finally made a connection with you.  
  
I understood you to my very core, even though I might have not shown it too much.  
  
"But you were the first to understand me," I quietly said with a clear voice. "That's why I loved you so much."  
  
Click.  
  
I closed the door behind me.  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I've always carefully emphasized a lot on music within my fics. I'm sorry that I always make lyrics/poems with no melody to follow, but I hope to convey the feelings I want. With this fic, I've compiled a lot of songs by real artists (so, disclaimers apply and such) that I think fit Ryuichi's mood. It is * laughs * also the song that I use for that particular chapter. I usually do not say what songs I use for each fic, but I wanted to put an even fuller experience. To be as close to the personality of Ryuichi as I can. Or rather, as well as I can portray him.  
  
One who smiles also knows much how to cry just as much. I picked Midnight Crow to represent this feel. It is strong and weak at the same time. Also, I love the band Lucifer. (Makoto follower since they came out.)I love L'arc, Luna Sea, Lucifer, Shiina Ringo and Oblivion Dust, but only two of these artists/bands are still together.  
  
Omiai – formal marriage meeting. 


	6. Chapter 5

Disclaimers: Gravi isn't mine. Hina/Kira and Akai Ame _are_ completely mine along with its copyrights (2000).  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 5 – beautiful selflessness.  
  
April 9th, 1996  
  
Song of the day: Akai Ame by Hina  
  
Touma went through the whole meeting and I stayed away from him even though we were working in the same room. We'd always greet one another and pretended like nothing was wrong. We were wonders at that sort of game play.  
  
A look here, a look there. A blind eye everywhere.  
  
I left the recording studio early to go do a guest appearance at my friend Kira's concert. Kira, or rather her stage name Hina, was used to this whole industry, having been an idol through all seasons and since she was in college. This was her 12th anniversary and still going strong to the point that she was still selling out.  
  
Never running out of fans, never running out of fashion.  
  
I had known her when I was starting out. You could say she was my mentor in a way.   
  
I don't know why, but she had watched me practicing for my first live and put down her sunglasses to wink at me. I blushed not knowing what to say. Laughing, she shook her head and said, "Heart. Broken, repaired, or whole. It's all about heart, Sakuma-san."  
  
She and I became friends, but she never gave me other advice since the first time we met.  
  
Before she was going to sing her last song today, she took a break as the crowd cheered for more. I was also just as distressed at the fact that she had not sung her number one song. Not only was it the number one song for so many years, but it was also her favorite.  
  
For as long as I had known her, I believed the words within that song but I never knew who were they for. The past or the story behind it.   
  
I didn't know there was.  
  
Not until she took my face between her hands and said, "Oh, Ryuichi."  
  
I sighed as a stirring began within my heart, a pinching that made me want to swell up in pain all over again as I thought of many things and now, Touma. I told her how someone had broken my heart this time, with love.  
  
She looked into my eyes as she kissed my forehead while pushing my bangs to one side. "You didn't listen to me, did you?"  
  
"Of course I did."  
  
She shook her head. "Not all of it."  
  
It was then that she sat beside me as she looked into my face. Pulling on the extensions and wiping the makeup that was left, I looked into her face. A face that still looked like a little girl's even though she was already in her early thirties.  
  
She smiled at me as she said, "I will tell you a story that no one knows but one other person in the world."  
  
Still looking at me with bright eyes, she told me,  
  
"There was a girl who loved to sing. It was the only thing she thought she could do. So, she tried her best to audition for everything and anything she could. Fortunately, she was discovered when a local talent agency was looking for someone fresh. Someone whom they called 'Well-rounded': Capture. Someone who knew how to capture an audience.  
  
"The girl didn't know she had that type of charm, but she sang with all that she could. She attended college while performing as if she had two completely different lives. But there was one friend. One true friend that she trusted and fell in love with. Even though she didn't know how the guy felt about her, she sang songs to him without him knowing.  
  
"They drifted apart though. They didn't have the same classes and as the girl's schedule was getting busier and busier, she could no longer see the boy. She wanted to see him so badly. What was the point of singing to someone who didn't even know the songs were for him?  
  
"Well, that's what she thought. Her songs were lovely and cute as idols go, but they didn't capture the audience. She was thinking of how could she truly capture the audience, but she was told a secret when her mother had read the lyrics she had written on her desk.  
  
"Signed with the boy's name on the side. The mom let out a troubled sigh as she looked at the girl to tell her that the boy she loved wasn't the one. She couldn't understand until her mother had told her that this person was related to her in some way. And when she was told how, the girl ran away with tears in her eyes. She now knew what crying blood was. She was able to write the song that would make her a star.  
  
"The words that would make her hand dip with her own blood and pain, making that star shine even brighter."  
  
Holding my shoulders, she looked into my eyes and smiled with all that she could. "Whenever I hear or sing Akai Ame, I remember the time I saw that boy, Ryuichi. Under the sakura tree with its leaves falling before us in the rain. There was an imaginary wall. In our silences, we knew that the other knew."  
  
Her grip became firmer. "I wrote this for a boy I loved and he loved me also. We understood each other quietly even though we never kissed or touched one another until I came to his graduation."  
  
She began to cry. "One hug, Ryuichi. That's all we had and we never saw each other again. And here I still sing clear and strong to reach his heart in a different way. To reach my half-brother, even if he loves me as a woman. And touch him in a way that I never can."  
  
I took a deep breath as I tried to look at her. This beautiful woman who smiled like it never rained before her.   
  
She was putting the extensions back into her hair. She was putting make-up to transform herself as she pushed her tears away. Getting up, she said, "Show time."  
  
All these years, I thought I had understood those words, "Heart. Broken, repaired, or whole. It's all about heart, Sakuma-san." To be only deceived by my own thoughts and actions. My heart was there, but I was running away from myself.  
  
I used my love for singing as an escape from my sadness and now I understood my mistake. Through Touma, through Tatsuha, through her.   
  
As I waited to go onto the stage, when I looked at her face, it was coming to me little by little.  
  
Myself.  
  
I had to pour myself out if I was to receive anything in response.  
  
It's not enough to satisfy playful words. You make your audience feel. You had to make them laugh. You had to make them cry.  
  
You had to be able to crucify yourself.  
  
For in bleeding, you understand that you're only human.  
  
They respect your inner heart.  
  
As she introduced me, I ran to the stage as the song was starting to begin. "And for my last song, the song that I cherish the most…Akai Ame!"  
  
The crowd jumped up and down as she held her hands out.  
  
She was crying just as easily as she begun. But these were an actor's tears. They were sincerely coming from her eyes. Unafraid of being so pure.  
  
I didn't want to sing her song with her because I knew now what it truly meant. But she smiled at the crowd while encouraging me. We sang together:  
  
"I keep on searching for a mercy that will never be ours.  
  
As the sun upon all that I thought would be dreaming with you.  
  
I wish I could be a bird that could fly away, oh run so far away.  
  
This very day, I wish it had never happened at all.  
  
When my dreams clash  
  
Like rain draining me away  
  
Washing me with my tears....  
  
I cry out to the rain...  
  
I cry out to the rain.  
  
Tell me why? my love bleeds this deep, red red rain...  
  
I can hear; I want to hear your voice again.  
  
There's a secret we share but can never reveal.  
  
I wish a knife had pierced me instead of feeling all of this pain.  
  
And then so, what will happen after this? I do not really know.  
  
I do know I can't go back to the way I once was,  
  
We can never be the way we used to be...  
  
A gentleness that only glass can bring tonight, tonight...  
  
When I call your name softly,  
  
Come to me,  
  
As fast as you can...  
  
The rain shadows my crying image from you.  
  
You're so near and yet so far away from me.  
  
So far, so far, why can't I ever touch you?  
  
It's a secret I wish it were not ever told.  
  
I cry out to the rain...  
  
I cry out to the rain.  
  
Tell me why? my love bleeds this deep, red red rain...  
  
I can hear; I want to hear your voice again.  
  
There's a secret we share but can never reveal.  
  
The rain shadows my crying image from you.  
  
You're so near and yet so far away from me.  
  
So far, so far, why can't I ever touch you?  
  
It's a secret I wish it were not ever told."  
  
When we finished the concert, Hina kissed my forehead again and left me as the rain started up again. "Ryuichi! Isn't a broken heart such a beautiful thing?!"  
  
She looked at me with a sincere smile that held a tinge of sweet despair.  
  
I nodded my head as she ran away from me.  
  
"Yes, very beautiful."  
  
Behind beauty, there was an incredible infliction.  
  
Outpouring your flesh, bone, and soul to create purity itself.  
  
A sacrifice had to be made.  
  
And kindness with generosity were its only allies.  
  
Beautiful selflessness.  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I started to go through my old original fics and thought that his would be a good thing to bring into the fic. No matter how many original fics I've made, this has always been one of my absolute favorites to write.   
  
If you would like to read it, please go here and click on 'Hisashiburi':  
  
http://www.geocities.com/mykumagoro/originalfics.html 


	7. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Morning Sun and Gravitation belong to their respective owners and aren't mine.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
chapter 6 – in every way.  
  
April 12, 1996  
  
Song of the day: Morning Sun by ?   
  
I think that's what the title is for this song, but I've only heard it twice before. I don't know why I thought of this song, but as soon as I woke up for the photo session early this morning, I looked out the window of this hotel and thought,  
  
"When I was a very small boy,  
  
Very small boys talk to me.  
  
Now that we've grown up together  
  
They're afraid of what they see…  
  
To the child I lost replaced by fear  
  
I used to think that the day would never come  
  
That my life would depend on the morning sun."  
  
I clung onto the curtain as I looked out at Tokyo below me. I didn't feel like going out and I surely didn't feel like doing anything.  
  
After doing that concert with Kira, I did a lot of thinking that I had wanted to avoid for so long. About my family and this eternal struggle to be the best, and yet my intentions came out wrong. They only saw what I haven't done, and not what I have done. We just couldn't understand one another because we had different systems of life. Mine involved the option to fall, they thought they were saving me from that. But I wasn't like that. I was only prepared with life to a certain point.  
  
I didn't like such stability. Life became so boring that way.  
  
Touma came into that stability, and yet he wasn't in that box of things. He was the person that held me together, and somehow, the independence I wanted was hypocritical. I needed him as my friend as much as he enjoyed the childishness that he could never convey to people other than myself. We were strong and weak in that sense.  
  
But at that moment that he told me he wanted to be with Mika, there was a look in his eyes that told me that wasn't it. I couldn't grasp that, but I knew. Or rather, I tried to ignore it. Touma was my best friend, and so I couldn't say that he had not cared for me.  
  
That wasn't fair to him, I knew. I had left him in my room just like I did so many times.  
  
I was selfish like that.  
  
And then there was Emily who had called me that night after Kira's concert. It was then that I looked at the wall towards Touma's room and shook my head. I held onto the wall while I talked to Emily, telling her I was doing fine and that I would be back in Los Angeles after a month.  
  
This girl was my childhood friend was as nice as she could be, but I just couldn't feel for her. And certainly not as much as I did for Touma.  
  
And then, Kira's story made it clear for me.  
  
The anger I was trying to let go of was the frustration I had towards Tatsuha…  
  
I knew I had to apologize to Touma, but I didn't know how…  
  
Here I was distraught over why he wanted to leave me…  
  
…and yet I had been the first to do it.  
  
--  
  
I came to the photo session with a wide smile. As I bounced around the room, I found Touma near the refreshments table, trying to pour some sugar into his black coffee. I said hi to Nuriko as she said good morning to me while drinking orange juice.   
  
Before Touma had even picked up his cup, I jumped on his back and hugged him. "Good morning to you too, Touma."  
  
Touma turned his head to me with a slight lift of his eyebrows. He smiled as he laughed, "Well, good morning to you too."  
  
The photo session went well and when we were posing for our last shot, the photographer said to do something cute. Nuriko stood in front of me with a smile. She looked up as I grabbed Touma's head softly into my hands. I put my lips on his cheek while he began to clear his throat and blush. He smirked while Nuriko laughed.  
  
Click.  
  
At the end, when we were all leaving, I was turning the corner to avoid being mobbed when Touma ran after me. Can you imagine Seguchi Touma in his gloves, shades, and large, black trenchcoat running after someone? The same man who said he hated exerting energy when it wasn't needed?  
  
"Wait!" he called out as I turned my head and stop walking.  
  
When he was in front of me, he held onto my shoulder and said, "We need to talk."  
  
I nodded my head. "Okay…"  
  
We should have gone back to the hotel room, but the closest thing to privacy was NG Records. So, we ended up having coffee in a private conference room that no one knew about. Touma just opened the door for me and I went in with a nod. Closing the door behind me, he made coffee while I sat on the table, not wanting to sit in any of the chairs.  
  
But somehow, I never touched that cup of coffee. When it was being heated, Touma came up to me and laid his palm to each side of me. Leaning forward, he looked at me in the eye while I stared at him silently.  
  
With a sigh, he ran his fingers through his blond hair and placed his hand on the black table again to keep his balance. "You've been avoiding me."  
  
"Well duh." I said nonchalantly with my tongue sticking out.   
  
"You're not being fair, Ryuichi," he said as he sighed again, with his jaw tightening in irritation.  
  
"That's a good one, Touma. I've got lots to complain about if you're talking about life and its fairness towards others." I began to laugh as I patted his hair. "_I_ wasn't fair? How? When you wanted to marry Mika in the first place, you should have gone along with it."  
  
"Dammit, Ryuichi!" He pounded his fist on the table's surface. "You shouldn't be saying this to me after all the years you _know_ I've taken care of you!"  
  
"Well you shouldn't then! You regret it now?!"  
  
At that moment, in his frustration, he took my head into his hands and began to kiss me. I looked at him in alarm because this kiss was different from all the other ones he had given me. Pushing me onto the table, he began to put his hand up my shirt.   
  
"I took care of you, you idiot, because I loved you! But you weren't fair to me!" As he began to pull on his belt, he kissed me on the chest. Then, he laid his head on my chest while putting his hands around me. "You're going to tell me I'm not fair after all the time I waited for you. And you know what? All heard when you fell asleep in my arms was the word 'Tatsuha'."  
  
My eyes opened in shock as I looked down at his blond hair.   
  
He then got up and looked down at me while I stared into his eyes above me. "I…"  
  
Touma, for the first time that I had known him, was cracking. His calm mask was contorted and his tears were falling onto my cheeks. I shook my head as I looked at him.  
  
I took a deep breath, realizing that I had been holding my breath the whole time.  
  
He smiled at me with the grin I hated. "That's why I had him come to the concert and the television station. I wanted to see it for myself. Dammit, my pride wouldn't let me accept it."  
  
After sighing, he closed his eyes. "The week that you spent in my house in Kyoto, that was the week I was going to ask you if you'd stay with me more than three months. I was going to ask you to stay with me forever, Ryuichi."  
  
Opening his eyes with more tears, I began to cry too. "And then my plan backfired. The joke I was playing on you and Tatsuha actually caught me in the end."  
  
"Touma…"   
  
He then put his head on my shoulder and I hugged him while looking up at the white ceiling.  
  
"I care for you, Ryuichi, but I'd be lying if I said I only loved you. And you don't need that from me."  
  
Running my hand through his hair, I continued to stare at the ceiling. "I guess it hasn't changed huh? Since high school, when I got so jealous of…"  
  
I closed my eyes as I hugged him tightly. I whispered, "Eiri."  
  
It was then that we became silent. But our silence turned into laughter like children in the playground.  
  
In this private conference room, removed from the ordinary world outside of its doors, there we were lying on top of a smooth table, bearing our hearts to people that weren't there. How much people can care for other people to find that even that could be outdone.  
  
Intensity outweighed by a passion that consumes the soul after it eats the soul.  
  
That's how we became closer.  
  
Loving two brothers from the same household that didn't know we did…  
  
"Isn't it funny?" I began to say. "You're in love with Eiri even though you have a crush on Mika?"  
  
"And you're in love with their little brother." At that moment, he poked me on the side. In a seductive tone, he said, "Pedophile. Loving someone who's half your age."  
  
I shook my head. "I don't know how old I am. Maybe we're the same age at this rate."  
  
Touma got up, but when he pulled me, he hugged me while patting my back. Pressing his cheek to my hair, he said, "I don't know who has it worse. You or me?"  
  
I couldn't answer him.  
  
There were too many circumstances in the way. It went beyond affection, family, and all the things that came into account when it came to living life.  
  
But if he was talking about love, the more I couldn't answer him.  
  
What is worse? Looking at someone without being able to touch them? Or being able to be close to the object of your affections without them ever knowing?  
  
When I looked out the balcony at 2am that night, I looked down at the city while the wind was blowing. I thought about what Touma said, and I finally came up with a reply.  
  
He had it worse.  
  
No matter how times I had crushes on people and they rejected me while Touma was always asked to go on dates or stuff like that, he knew what he wanted. He always watched what he wanted.  
  
And when he marries with Mika, that opportunity would be gone forever.  
  
Eiri will always look at him as a 'friend' and Touma was too honorable to break the fragile, honest ties with either Uesugi sibling.  
  
As for me, I was resolved to let Tatsuha know…  
  
Even if he'd reject me also,  
  
I would tell him someday while waiting in my silence.  
  
I was always childish like that.  
  
Too honest for my own good, even when it broke me deep inside.  
  
I went back into my room and looked at my bed, which was full of pink material, books, needles, and string. I wanted something tangible until then.  
  
I chose pink because it's like a sakura with the legend that people were buried to make the petals pink. I prick my fingers and give my heart silently while I feel like I'm dying ever so slowly without him...  
  
A rabbit because it's so genki and cute. It's so squeezable and soft…  
  
It took so many hours, but as ragged as it looked at 10am in the morning, I held it up and smiled to myself "I name you Kumagorou. From this day forth, you will be with me forever. Wherever I go, you will go too."  
  
But, you're more than a stuffed bunny.  
  
You represent the cries when I can't describe my loneliness or happiness…  
  
You represent my feelings towards Tatsuha himself.  
  
I can't tell you right now,  
  
But I will show you how much I love you.  
  
In every way I can, Tatsuha.  
  
In every sense that I can…  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: This weekend, I had a lot to think about and all the questions that I had about the format of this fic have been fixed. I think it was because I was trying to figure out where to end it. But then, when you read the end, which is a long way from here, you will understand why I ended it there.  
  
I had the hardest time, though, trying to figure out if I should finish the haru x yuki fic because I just finished belonging nowhere yesterday. But then again, when things get me down, I think of Subaru, but do a Ryuichi fic, so here it is.  
  
I know this was an awkward chapter, but I had to make a major transition in order to get this fic underway. I couldn't describe that Kumagorou was Tatsuha's representative, but I hope it came out the way it was supposed to. 


	8. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 7 – Only getting deeper.  
  
April 21st, 1996  
  
Song of the day: Romancing Train by Move  
  
Since the day we had talked things out, Touma and I were as close as we could ever be. And without being lovers. But at the way I acted, you couldn't really tell whom I favored. I'd hug Touma from behind but I'd jam with Nuriko until we were laughing on the ground, trying to be as unserious about everything as possible. She may have been harsh and more mature ever since she got married, but she was also very playful if you talked about something she loved. Of course, her ultimate love was music.  
  
But no one could deny that if you touched Kumagorou without permission, then you were dead. Some of the people around us thought I had really lost my mind. Touma just patted my head understandingly saying to me, "The bunny's cute, Ryuichi." That and he gave me a look that said, "It's so you that I don't even want to comment or explain this to anyone."  
  
Nuriko looked at it and hugged it. "It's so cute!"  
  
Well, I was playing with Kumagorou on my lap while we were driving to the Uesugi's place because the final arrangements for the marriage were being made. I wouldn't be able to make it because I had to do a single when I got back to America, but Touma thought he should take me back to Kyoto before I left.  
  
If I didn't know any better, I wouldn't have come. Touma was sensitive like that, though. He always wanted me around him to balance out his calmness.  
  
He'd talk and talk and talk…Yes, this is the same Seguchi Touma who only gives the most concise, yet meaningful retorts known to mankind.   
  
I was talking to Kumagorou saying, "We're going to Tatsuha's house."  
  
Touma looked out the window, but he patted my head gently. He sighed and I glanced at him while putting Kumagorou onto his lap. "Don't be depressed."  
  
With his fingers on his chin, he sighed again. "Eiri…"  
  
For the first time, he actually said his name with his guard down. Someone pining away in his mind.  
  
"Poor Touma…" I put my head on his shoulder.   
  
To cheer him up, I laughed while saying, "So where are you and Mika going on your honeymoon?"  
  
"Hawaii or London." He laughed a bit. "I couldn't decide and she wanted to be surprised. Maybe it'll shock her if I said both. What do you think?"  
  
"Sounds good."  
  
At that moment, I looked at my empty hands and glanced at Touma's lap, where Kumagorou was temporarily placed. "Why…why did you bring me with you?"  
  
"Because I wanted to."   
  
"I see."  
  
When we got closer and closer to the house, I was getting nervous. I didn't know what to expect, but I wanted to see his face. I know it sounded like I was some teenager seeing their crush, but that's how he made me feel. Every time I thought of him, I thought of the embarrassed smile, but of course, I still hadn't told Touma about the letter.  
  
It was something I wanted to figure out for myself.  
  
I looked everywhere like a little kid when we got to their house, but Touma didn't mind me. Mika-san was as nice as ever by smiling and greeting us, "Konnichiwa!"  
  
We just spent the afternoon drinking tea when Eiri came into the room. He was passing by quietly with his nose in a book. It was the same every time I saw him. I just never saw Tatsuha. I had heard of him, but our 'accidental' meeting was the first time we met, though informally.  
  
Eiri bowed his head and lifted his hand, but went away still reading. Mika, exasperated, took a sip of her tea saying, "I really wonder what's going through his head."  
  
Touma, laughing, answered, "Lots of things that we don't know about."  
  
I was just watching them, but I could see things from a fragmented point of view. These fragments were coming together. Mika, who had always had a crush on Touma, was obviously into Touma. Touma, who always stared at her, was just as in love with her.  
  
But…  
  
There was still Eiri. Except, I didn't know anything that would make Eiri so special to Touma…  
  
Don't get me wrong. I liked Eiri, but Touma was hard to read about whom he really preferred, and since he had given up on me…well, that's that.  
  
"Tatsuha isn't any better," Mika laughed as she took another sip of her tea.  
  
Touma put his cup on the table before him. "So, where is he?"  
  
"Do you think we'll let him loose while Sakuma Ryuichi's here?" She patted my hand. "Ah, Ryuichi-san! I didn't want him to bother you."  
  
"Bother me?" I looked at her confused as I cocked my head to one side.  
  
"I was surprised Tatsuha was so calm. Well, from what Touma described when he accidentally went into your room. I'm sorry about that, by the way…" She bowed her head embarrassed. "But Tatsuha is so obsessed!"  
  
"I'm sure he's going through a phase," I said with a smile.  
  
But deep inside, I was holding my breath as I said this.  
  
A reality yet unknown, but I didn't want to know it yet.  
  
"I hope he is…" She shook her head. "You know we love you, but at the rate he's going, he has to slow down a bit."  
  
"Ah…"  
  
Touma just continued to drink his tea, but he rose up his hand. "Mind if I take a peek at his collection with Ryuichi so that I know what to get him next time?"  
  
Mika bowed her head, "Sure, no problem."  
  
As we went up the stairs, I looked at Touma uncertainly. My eyes said, "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
He shook his head as he smirked at me. "I know what I'm doing, so just trust me," said the look.  
  
When he opened Tatsuha's room, I blinked for a moment. I took a double take as I stepped into his room. I had been a devoted fan to Shinya, but I never thought that one day, someone would do the same for me. Actually, he outdid me.  
  
I stepped towards a poster of myself on the wall. It looked almost life-sized. I stood there looking at myself in awe.  
  
Touma looked at me. "This is why I brought you here."  
  
"Why?" I turned around and saw boxes and other trinkets all around the room for Nittle Grasper and separate items for myself.  
  
"Do you want to get to know him, Ryuichi?" Touma folded his arms as he looked at me.  
  
I touched the poster of myself and looked into my own eyes. How different to look at yourself from this end.  
  
How misguided people are about me.  
  
Or rather, they knew the part of me that loved music to the point of excessive passion.  
  
What does he see whenever he look at this?  
  
I looked at Touma with determined eyes. "Yes, I do."  
  
"Even if there might be a time that he'll forget about you?" He sighed as he shook his head. "Right now, you're just a hobby to him, Ryuichi. He's only thirteen. You know how teenagers are."  
  
I closed my eyes. "Yes."  
  
I know he was concerned, but I felt like the more I wanted Tatsuha, the more lost I would become.  
  
"Your affection is totally different from his, Ryuichi." Touma continued to look at me while I avoided looking into his eyes. "Why do you care so much for him?"  
  
I held onto Kumagorou tightly.  
  
"He gave me a fan letter," I answered quietly.  
  
"And what was in that letter?"  
  
"Hope."  
  
Hope to become better,  
  
Hope of not being alone,  
  
Hope to understand what I'm looking for in life.  
  
When we were closing the door to Tatsuha's room, Touma gave me an inquisitive look that looked a little perplexed at the answer I had given him. He wanted to know more, but he also knew that it would be hard to do so without me becoming depressed and serious.  
  
Touma began to laugh at me as he looked at my childish answer and the way I was acting. "Ryuichi…"  
  
He began to rub my shoulders and we went down the stairs. "Okay, to cheer you up, what do I get the boy that has everything?"  
  
I looked at him and desparately answered, "I want him, Touma. That's all I want. I don't need anything else."  
  
He wasn't a 'want' anymore.  
  
I needed him to live.  
  
At that moment, Touma stopped walking down the stairs as I was bowing my head to Mika to let her know we were leaving. I laughed cutely while going back for Touma in the stairway while pulling on his sleeve.  
  
When we were driving away, he didn't say anything as he looked out the window. I leaned on his shoulder as he put his arm around me warmly.  
  
It was only now that he began to understand how deeply Tatsuha was cutting inside of me. Noticing how, for the first time in my life, I had been so focused. Answering without hesitation or fear.  
  
He now could see how quietly I had been ripping myself apart in my silence and smiles around everyone…  
  
It was much worse than his affection for Eiri…  
  
…and it was only getting deeper as the seconds of the day went by.  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I don't know why, but I'm so particular about what I listen to. It depends on my mood and then it has to be in sync with what I'm writing. Not being too heavy or too light, but just the right touch. I picked Romancing Train this time because Ryuichi's now focused, even though he knows it will be a painful bath. He'll make it look like nothing because he's just awesome like that.  
  
I just had the hardest time doing the last few lines. What represents Ryuichi's affection? Why _would_ he care so much about some teenager's letter? What made Tatsuha so special? I know that I could have made Ryuichi answer many things, but that single response was the best that I could come up with. It also expressed it the best. 


	9. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Gravi or Bu Dam's song. They belong to their respective owners.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 8 – suteki. (wonderful.)  
  
May 3rdth, 1996  
  
Song of the day: Bu Dam by ?  
  
I picked this song to listen to because it has a violin and I love violins. They're so expressive, and do so without words. That's the only I can describe myself and how I feel right now.  
  
Even if the songs words are all in Korean and it's upbeat, I know it's a sad song. I can feel it.  
  
And the only thing I understand is 'I love you'.  
  
I've arrived in Los Angeles, but I haven't let anyone know that I've come earlier than I had planned. If I had a choice, I'd stay in Japan and not come back. Ever.  
  
Many people don't understand when I say I think about many things, but then I'm not the best about saying personal things. Especially about relatives.  
  
Since birth I've been pricked, oiled, and fried under their looks and words. You may find this funny, but this is a NICE way of describing everything. Not only have I been insulted or other more than once, but I've been trying to get away from them for the longest time. I'd turn naturally to my parents, but once I knew they wouldn't help me, I knew that I was all on my own.  
  
How do I describe this? It may take ages before I can compile a sufficient answer to everything. All I can truly say is that by watching them, I understood, what I _didn't_ want to become. I knew by the first time they looked at me and kept on commenting on my weight or that I looked different from my parents that there was something definitely wrong. If I recall, people have asked me if I was adopted because I didn't look like my parents or the fact that I keep on doing things 'a different way'. Rather, it was 'their way'.  
  
No, I wasn't a rebel. I did exactly as my parents had wanted. I took a fiancé, went to college and passed, and fulfilled all my obligations as their only child to this 'rich' family. And that's all it equated to. Money.  
  
I don't know how people can be so consumed with money, but I knew I didn't want it to rule over me. So, I told them that I didn't want to inherit their company or marry into Emily's family. I disowned them and even though they said they disowned me, they still kept me.  
  
I shake my head at all this. This still didn't sound right.  
  
I made it seem like everyone's evil, though for a time, that was so true to me. I wasn't any better, but I knew that I was above them.   
  
They didn't know what sincerity was.  
  
And as a result of all this fighting with them and within myself, I was slowly going insane. That's when I started to have anxiety attacks, when I left my family and traveled back to Japan to do singing.  
  
But it was too late. The years of depression had taken their toll.  
  
I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat well either. Things were stressing me out to the point that I was going for days with little food and even throwing it up. After going to a psychiatrist, I went out of that clinic thinking I'd never step inside there again. They said I needed to get better with 'sleeping pills'. I smiled, took the prescription and never came back.  
  
That's what forced me to think that I needed to get things in order.   
  
Keep things calm.  
  
Be awake to reality.  
  
Things were going well for a while until I had to visit my parents and relatives. A relapse happened, but I came back to Nuriko and Touma as genki as ever.   
  
Up and down and up and down.  
  
Genki in front of them while I'd tear myself apart when I was alone.  
  
No one knew because I was smiling. I didn't want anyone worrying over me.  
  
I didn't want anyone to know because I needed to figure this out myself.  
  
But I got sicker.   
  
As we were getting popular, the more I felt crowded, even though I was happy that things were going so well. After press conferences, I would have to go to the bathroom right afterwards. When concerts were done, I had to immediately go to sleep or I would have been shaking all night thinking that things were way too crowded for me.  
  
Too many people…  
  
Because so many people used to crowd around me and talk…  
  
From classmates who left me out of games to adults who would question my family name…  
  
It stayed unconsciously in my head until I grew older…  
  
Then, one day, Touma found out.  
  
The sempai I always had a crush on and didn't want his opinion of me to change looked at me incredulously as he found me vomiting when he came into our hotel room. We had to share rooms that time and he walked in to find me in the bathroom with the door closed shut.  
  
"I'm fine," I laughed as I held onto the toilet bowl.  
  
I turned on the water faucet as I brushed my teeth and flushed the bowl. But Touma stood in front of me when I opened the door. "What's going on, Ryuichi?"  
  
"I got dizzy. Too much excitement," I said as I put my hand sheepishly in back of my head while trying to get past him.  
  
"You used that excuse the last time," he firmly said. He wouldn't let me pass.  
  
I looked at him desparately as I began to cough and I started to have a hard time breathing. I pushed him away as I shouted, "Get away from me! Don't look at me! Leave me alone! I can handle it!"  
  
He shook his head as he put his arms around me and plopped on his bed. He held me even though I resisted. "I can't breathe!"  
  
But, he just let go slightly while rubbing my back. "Take a deep breath."  
  
I started to cry as I tried to break away. "Stop being so nice to me. Go away…don't pity me!"  
  
Touma shook his head as I began to breathe a bit easier. Then, when I calmed down, he hugged me tightly. "I care about you, Ryuichi, so don't think that."  
  
I closed my eyes as I felt comforted for the first time in my life. I held onto his sleeve. "Thank you, Touma…for being my friend."  
  
It may seem silly, but after 20 years of running away from people and not wanting to be hurt, I finally found someone who didn't think I was so strange. I thought he would have left me once he knew, but he didn't.  
  
It happened when…  
  
I shook my head as we stood at a bridge when I was going truly insane and wanted to jump off. I had felt that I was all alone, but some part of me said, "Call Touma. He'll know what to do if you don't."  
  
I did, and when he appeared running towards me, I shouted, "Tell me that this is wrong!"  
  
When I stood at the railing, I was shaking my head and crying while not knowing what to do. I kept thinking how they would find my body and that I had disappointed only Touma. That's why he had come to mind. He was the only one who cared a damn about me.  
  
He shouted out of frustration, "What the fuck are you scared about?! I'm your best friend and you still push me away! I love you, for god's sake!"  
  
"I hate being alone…" I kept on repeating inside of my mind, not really hearing him. "I hate my life…"  
  
"Ryuichi!" He took a hold of me and hugged me. "Don't scare me like that…"  
  
"I don't like living like this, Touma. I'm so tired of it…" I said as I gulped.  
  
"I understand…I know what you're going through, Ryuichi…" He shook his head.   
  
As we walked back to his car, he sighed while still holding onto me. "You said you wanted to be somebody, Ryuichi. And I believe in that."  
  
I went into his car as he closed the door while settling into his seat. I looked at him with spinning thoughts. "I'm so sorry, Touma…"  
  
He smiled as he patted my shoulder. While driving, he said, "If you died, I would cry."  
  
Even though there were still tears in my eyes, I smiled at him. "Thank you."  
  
And that's how I started to fall even more for Touma and get a little bit better.  
  
--  
  
Now, as I look at Emily, I tell her that I'll be going back to Japan after recording. I need to find something that I've left there. She doesn't understand, but she kisses me on the cheek as she leaves while I look at her wondering when I would be able to go against my parents and hurt this nice girl.  
  
But I shake my head and look at pictures Touma has sent. In between proofs for our multiple shoots, concerts, and adverts, he includes one particular picture in the bunch.  
  
It is Tatsuha smiling at the camera. He's leaning on the wall with his legs crossed as his eyes are looking at the poster of me on the wall. Written on the back is:  
  
"I asked him what he loved about you the best. He said your eyes. I asked him why, and he said that he thought it was awesome when you performed on stage, but that he loved it when you smiled in interviews. He believed that was the 'ordinary, lovable' you. – Touma"  
  
At that moment, I left the studio, went to buy a frame and came home. I went straight to bed, but not without framing the picture to put it by my bedside.   
  
You will understand someday, Tatsuha, why your letter changed my life.  
  
No one had said kinder words to me…  
  
The life I wanted to waste was actually helping someone else.  
  
Maybe I'm childish and stupid that way, but every time I read that letter or look at your picture, I keep on thinking, "He knows something about me that I even I don't know about. I want to see what he sees."  
  
"Ordinary and lovable?" I smiled to myself. "I never really thought of myself as that before. "  
  
For the first time in a long time, I was smiling while going to sleep soundly.  
  
And of course, with Kumagorou next to me.  
  
If you keep on telling me things like this,  
  
I'll be able to conquer anything, Tatsuha.  
  
You make me just want to become a better person.   
  
I'm starting to feel as wonderful as you think I am.  
  
Someday…  
  
I'll really be someone worthy of your love and admiration.  
  
Then, I'll be able to face you for real instead of us both looking at pictures.  
  
Until then…  
  
I reached over to the frame and kissed it. But instead of putting it back, I hugged it with Kumagorou in my arms.  
  
"Good night, Tatsuha. I love you."  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I know it's long about the family stuff, but I actually wanted a scene. But then I opted against it because if I did that, then it would get too personal on my part. Plus, I hope the explanations were good enough. ^^;;;  
  
Oh, and thank you guys for reading so far!! ;_; You guys are so wonderful about the feedback!  
  
I know Ryu's really angsty here, but I wanted to really make a believable Ryu who's struggling to believe in himself, fall in love, and fighting his mental issues.  
  
I'd like to especially say thanks to Teresa for always making me feel my best at writing and to Adri, my beautiful muse. 


	10. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: yoru no naka ni is mine. Gravi and the songs named for 'song of the day', as usual, aren't mine.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 9 - anonymous.  
  
May 26th, 1996  
  
Song of the day – Black Balloon by Goo Goo Dolls  
  
It's been about two weeks since I've come back and started to record with K. He's been complimenting on my 'maturity', to put it lightly. He took me to one side and pointed his gun at me and then said, "Great job!"  
  
I sighed in relief as soon as he left me in the room. I took my jacket while Emily and I drove to a restaurant downtown. As I was talking to her, I tried to look at her closely.  
  
Still nothing.  
  
When we parted, she kissed me on the cheek. I hugged her, but I couldn't kiss her back. I didn't know how she could put up with me.   
  
Well, we got along well, but it didn't seem like people in love. We were just used to one another, you know what I mean?  
  
I came home and opened the door to find the frame in front of me.  
  
"I'm home," I smiled to myself as I poked at Tatsuha's picture, the same one I would put on my bed stand. I clasped onto Touma's second package.   
  
It was a small brown envelope, but I sat on the hallway floor and ripped it open like a little kid. He gave me pictures of his wedding and there was even music sheets with the latest melody he had composed. I thought there was nothing left, but at the bottom of the envelope was a small wallet-sized picture of Tatusha in his school uniform. He looked so innocent as he gave a slight shy smile to the camera.  
  
Touma had written another piece of paper: "Obviously, this is his school picture. I was going to send you the pictures of him from the wedding, but I think this one's appropriate for now. I asked him this time if there was anything he wanted to collect, he said he wanted the Kumagorou you had since you bring it everywhere. He wants to be Kumagorou."  
  
I laughed to myself while shaking my head. "If he only knew…"  
  
I looked at Kumagorou, whom I had placed in front of me. "I can't give you to him yet."  
  
I continued to read: "But since he knows you won't be giving Kumagorou, he wishes there was a photo collection with interview questions. I think this is a great idea for advertisement for us. What do you think, Ryu-kun? - Touma"  
  
"I hate it when you call me, Ryu-kun." I pouted to myself as I began to laugh. He only calls me that when his ears perk up to good business tactics.  
  
I think that's why Nuriko, Touma, and I make such a great team.  
  
I looked at the picture in front of me and looked at it lovingly.   
  
"Your wish is my command."  
  
--  
  
June 24th, 1996  
  
Song of the day: 1/3 no Junjou no Kanjou by Siam Shade  
  
The magazine had been out for more than two weeks already, but they were delighted to strike a deal with Touma while I was still recording in Los Angeles. Touma was laughing on the phone when I called him that night to ask him to arrange for this to happen.  
  
"I'm a bit jealous that you're going to all this trouble for him," he teased on the phone.  
  
For him to admit this so bluntly made me laugh. I answered, "You had your chance. If only you made up your mine."  
  
"Oh, that's low, Ryuichi," he replied with a tinge of seriousness. "You're one to talk."  
  
"We're even, my dear Touma."  
  
The next morning, he faxed all the questions I needed to answer. To tell you the truth, they were totally random. Or, they didn't follow a certain pattern. I looked at them thinking what the hell I had gotten myself into. I could just imagine what Touma was smirking at when I saw the last page.  
  
He put a chibi of himself and his black hat. "Have fun because I'll be very amused later. Surprise me with something I don't know, k?"  
  
Sometimes, I hated him.  
  
So, as I sat on my dining room table with the sun streaming in through the glass doors, I frowned as I rolled my sleeves up. I patted my shorts and took a deep breath. Taking my pen up, I started to answer them one by one. I didn't know it would take so long, but when I finished, I blinked at the papers.  
  
I definitely was better at writing than talking.  
  
"Tatsuha should stop while he's ahead."   
  
I sighed to myself and faxed it back to Touma while sending out an express package with a bunch of photos, both promotional and personal.  
  
Question 1: Who is the artist you look up to the most?  
  
Answer: I loved Shinya the best. He did a range of stuff from pop to rock. His lyrics were superb! You had a whole spectrum like a rainbow. Light to dark. Then, there's the in between stuff. He never as he seems. What I mean is that he can have such an upbeat song to have such depressing lyrics.  
  
I have nothing but high regard for him.  
  
Question 2: What is your favorite type of music?  
  
Answer: I have to particular type that I like because I'll listen to almost everything. If it doesn't catch me the first time, you can probably guess I won't look for it. If it does, I'll be hunting for that cd before the end of the day.  
  
Question 3: What's your favorite song to compose so far? Why?  
  
Answer: Sleepless Beauty. I just love it from beginning to end. Plus, it was our debut song, so it's very lucky and special to me.  
  
Question 4: Do you have a girlfriend?  
  
Answer: Depends on how you ask me. ^_~  
  
Question 5: Rumor has it that you created Kumagorou. Did you? And why?  
  
Answer: Yes, I stitched Kumagorou together. I made him because I love stuff animals. He's soft and huggable!  
  
Hmm…why? That's a secret.  
  
Question 6: What is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?  
  
Answer: I don't get embarrassed easily, but it would have to be being caught in only a towel.   
  
Question 7: What's your favorite color?  
  
Answer: Um, red? It's flashy. It's dark and morbid. It's up to interpretation.  
  
Question 8: What is your ideal girl?  
  
Answer: To tell you the truth, I don't have an ideal girl or guy. It's embarrassing to say, but it doesn't matter to me what gender they are. I just want someone funny and huggable. Sounds like Kumagorou, huh? Oh yeah, someone who can put up with my singing all the time.   
  
Question 9: What's the thing that your most of proud of right now?  
  
Answer: Being able to come this far and getting fan letters! I read each of them and keep all the gifts. They always cheer me up whenever I'm in a slump. I don't know what Touma or Nuriko would say to this question though. They twitch whenever I smile and laugh reading them while we're recording.  
  
Question 10: If someone were to join the 'biz, what would you suggest?  
  
Answer: Know who you are and where you want to go. That's all that matters. Nothing's impossible in life. There are just obstacles along the way that make it seem that way.  
  
Question 11: Your latest picture with Nittle Grasper has caused quite a stir. The one where you're kissing Seguchi-san on the cheek. What's your comment on this?  
  
Answer: Touma's my best friend and so we're totally comfortable with stuff like that. I don't see what's the big deal. Maybe they're jealous? ^_~ Hell, I'd be jealous.  
  
Question 12: Is there a question you've always wanted to ask your audience?  
  
Answer: Why do you support our music? The lyrics, pictures, performance, what? I'm just curious. Anyone, myself included, can say 'I love your music!' But I want to know why.  
  
--  
  
As a bonus, I put in lyrics to the single that was going to be put out today. I wrote, "This is dedicated to my muse."  
  
'Yoru no naka ni'  
  
sung by Sakuma Ryuichi  
  
I hold my breath  
  
Inside the tears of the sea  
  
Slashing until I bleed  
  
But I can't even say I love you to your face.  
  
Long sleepless nights, I spent them without you  
  
Starving for your breath  
  
I resolved to saying 'I love you'  
  
To a photograph  
  
You think that I've got everything  
  
But there's one thing you have to now  
  
When I sigh,  
  
That's even for you.  
  
Every wink and every smile,  
  
You don't know that  
  
I give them to the public  
  
When I'm actually   
  
Thinking of you.  
  
I hold my breath  
  
Inside the tears of the sea  
  
Slashing until I bleed  
  
But I can't even say I love you to your face.  
  
I keep on thinking   
  
What you want from me.  
  
From this torn soul  
  
Whose wings are bleeding?  
  
I can't look away  
  
Whenever you're near.  
  
I just start to lose my cool,  
  
Thinking this may be only a dream.  
  
Unfortunately, it is.  
  
If you could read my lips  
  
If you could read my thoughts  
  
You'd see that I've been   
  
Hiding behind a mask.  
  
The more I get closer to you  
  
The more I push myself away.  
  
If you see the real me,  
  
Would you want it?  
  
Send me far away,  
  
Exile is much better  
  
If I can't touch you  
  
When you're in front of me.  
  
If you could read my tears  
  
If you could read my smiles  
  
You'd see that I've always  
  
Hidden behind confidence.  
  
The more you get closer to me  
  
The more you seem far away.  
  
Would you still love me,  
  
Even if I'm not free?  
  
Long sleepless nights, I spend them without you  
  
Starving for your touch  
  
I kiss 'I love you'  
  
To a picture of you  
  
Thinking that's you.  
  
Desparately pretending you're real.  
  
(Only in the night.  
  
Only in my dreams.)  
  
July 9th, 1996  
  
Song of the day: Hesitation by Hayashibara Megumi  
  
I got back to Japan to find so many letters addressed to me. I didn't think that I'd get such a huge response for that interview. But, before I read anything, I opened the folder that Touma had personally given me when I visited his office as soon as I got off the airplane.  
  
He told me that you had answered this question as well. Touma winked at me while shaking his head as soon as I glomped him, almost dropping Kumagorou. As I left, he winked at me and said, "Be ready tomorrow morning for the production meeting. Oh, and don't thank me. You should thank Eiri this time."  
  
I nodded as I left.  
  
I put my stuff down in the hallway and turned on the other lights within the apartment. Opening the balcony door, I opened the folder and read the small paper enclosed.  
  
"Dear Sakuma Ryuichi-san,  
  
You asked about why people listen to your music. I cannot speak for all the people, but for myself, I just like it. I like the feel, the lyrics, and the way you sing. But most of all, it is honest.  
  
It is weird to explain this, but even if you take away your voice and the lyrics with them, I would still be able to recognize that it is your song. Maybe it is because it is your style, but it is more than that.   
  
I have listened enough to know I'm addicted.  
  
What I am trying to say is that I listen because I can feel it.  
  
If it's raining and you're sad, I can tell. If you're smiling, your voice shows it.  
  
You do not want to make things sell because they sound good. They sound good because you reach hearts without aiming for them. Sincerely and honestly.  
  
Thank you.  
  
-Anonymous."  
  
I smiled as I went inside with the letter in my hands. I picked up the phone called Eiri, but when Tatsuha answered, tears began to form in my eyes.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
You couldn't have imagined how I felt at that moment when you answered the phone, Tatsuha…  
  
I voice acted and said my real family as the phone was given to Eiri. "Thank you," I said and with that, he answered, "No problem."  
  
We said goodbye and I stared at the phone with blurry eyes.  
  
I can't look into your eyes, Tatsuha,  
  
But even as I stand here, so far away from you,  
  
I feel everything while holding my breath.  
  
How will I ever survive like this?  
  
Tsuzuku…   
  
--  
  
author's note: I have to say "1/3" is my absolute favorite Kenshin song!   
  
This chapter was supposed to be a little bit longer, but it would have been too much if I wrote more for today.  
  
Yoru no naki ni – in the night. 


	11. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: none of the songs, except kiku are mine. Gravitation belongs to Murakami-sensei.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 10 – Koko. Asoko. (Here. There.)  
  
September 9th, 1996  
  
Song of the day: Feel Like Dance by Globe  
  
These past few months have been killer for me. Travelling from city to city and country to country! This whole Asian tour has taken all of my time, but before I go to sleep, I want to remember that I had a dream of Tatsuha today.   
  
In this dream, I had told Touma that I would help Tatsuha for some talent show in school. He didn't want to do it, but he was pressured to do so. I had to help him in a crash course in singing and dancing, even though I wasn't too good with the latter.   
  
When he got the hang of it, he really got into it. But, in the end, he was so tired while we were lying on the floor while leaning on the wall. He fell asleep and leaned to one side. I was too tired and happy to move him. And that's how I woke up.  
  
Maybe it was trying to tell me of Eiri's new package while we were touring here in Hong Kong. I looked down at the harbor with all the lights. Leaning on the railing, I looked at the new picture of Tatsuha. He was sleeping in a tank top and shorts, but he looked like a little kid since the covers were all over the place.   
  
On the back, Eiri had written: "You owe me for this one. Oh, and one more thing, he talks when he sleeps. He ends up mumbling some of your lyrics. - Eiri"  
  
I nodded my head and smiled. "Yeah?"  
  
I wonder what you dream about and if I'll be able to talk to you about that.  
  
As for me, I'm looking forward to the concert being set up for next April. I was a brat and said I wanted one in a particular place.  
  
They let me have one and where I wanted it.  
  
The one where I sang to you for the first time.   
  
I hope it won't kill Eiri too much to bring you all the way from Kyoto. ^^;;;  
  
--  
  
January 1st, 1997  
  
Song of the day: Heart of the Sword by TM Revolution  
  
I've been doing nothing but relaxing since Christmas. Well, that's what it looks like, but I've been making nothing but lyrics and melodies for Touma to look over on January 2nd. He's such a slave driver! I should be used to this, but more than that, I seem to be at a loss.  
  
All the songs I've written seem kind of empty. Not totally empty, but they're just not working. I look at them and think that something could be better. The perfectionist inside of me is really killing my mood.  
  
My house is filled with nothing but paper everywhere marked with pen. And I don't really care 'cause no one will step through that threshold anyway.   
  
I gave you a Nittle Grasper calendar, the first one to be printed of a limited edition with only 2000 prints. I went all out to put your favorite lyrics to songs next to the pictures for yours. I'm pretty sure Touma thought of something to say to your exclusive edition.  
  
I hope you like it, but Touma still hasn't given me the pictures of your reaction. He's holding it as bait for me to be at that meeting tomorrow. Such a bastard, but a sexy one. And he knows where to hit. L   
  
I think I've gotten better after all these years of causing him trouble. Running away and all like a little kid. And even my anxiety attacks have gotten a little bit better. They only happen once a month now instead of three.  
  
But, as I look at the pile of papers around me and struggle to make a song just for you, I'm frustrated. I want that concert here in Tokyo to be one of the best for you to see. What's the point of making you my muse if I can't treat you well, right?  
  
Except, as New Year's happening right now, 'cause it just turned twelve, I'm alone. I should have gone to Touma's party, but I didn't want to leave my house at all. I didn't feel like doing anything but making music or singing loudly.  
  
I wonder if I'll always be this way and if I'll always be hoping for something that may never be mine. And yet, being the optimist, I go for it with all my heart.  
  
Not afraid of being hurt, but when I am, I feel it to its fullest.  
  
I wonder how you're doing, though. Touma said you had a cold and so I've been in a slump and have been depressed over it. It's only natural for people to get sick, but I couldn't tell Touma that I was sick too. That's the real reason I couldn't go. That and something next to lethargy.  
  
Why can't I come up with a good song for you?!  
  
I tore up so many pieces of paper already, but it's still not enough. I feel like the torn up pieces of paper though.  
  
Pieces of music all over the floor with nowhere to go, but down.   
  
Bleeding with ink.  
  
--  
  
April 5th, 1997  
  
Song of the day: Hanging by a moment by Lifehouse  
  
"Desparate for changing,  
  
Starving for truth  
  
I'm closer to where I started  
  
Chasing after you.  
  
I'm falling more in love with you  
  
Letting go of all I've held onto…"  
  
Going round and round in my head, I'm sitting here in a random hotel. There's so much running through my head and I feel so nerve-wracked that I want to smoke a cigarette and get drunk. Only, I won't because I wouldn't even think of harming my throat.  
  
So, instead, tears are running down my face and are pouring all over my writings. I start to break down whenever I think of what happened yesterday and yet, it's already been done. I'm singing as loud as I can, but I end up coughing.  
  
I've gotten sick to my stomach. I've not eaten since yesterday's lunch and I don't feel like doing anything at all…  
  
Everything was supposed to go perfectly yesterday. I picked out the right songs, I performed one of the best concerts I've ever done…  
  
…and you weren't even there to see the rest of it.  
  
I don't care, but. I want to see you.  
  
I want to know you're all right.  
  
But, Touma's right.  
  
I can't go to you…  
  
--  
  
The crowd was getting all pumped up and while I was smiling and finishing my remix of 'I can't go for that', I slid my fingers on the microphone stand seductively, while looking at you. But, as I was teasing the crowd, you got up.  
  
I knew where you were because I asked specifically for you to be placed there. Touma and I arranged for you and Eiri to sit at the place where you were last year. Where I could have a perfect view of you.  
  
I saw you leave and I became alarmed as I sang, and then when I went back stage for our intercession, my head was about to explode. I was so worried that Touma had to physically restrain me.  
  
"The concert ends here," I said as I looked into his eyes.  
  
"Ryuichi, what the fuck are you talking about?" Touma held onto my shoulders as Nuriko left the room to usher everyone out of the room. "I'm not going to put up with your selfish attitude! You'll have to deal with it! He has pneumonia!"  
  
I looked at him as I felt like the wind being knocked out of me. "What?! What did you say?!"  
  
"He's being rushed to a hospital as we speak," he said with a tone of finality.  
  
"I have to go, Touma! Curse me all you want, but I have to see him!" I looked from side to side in confusion as I began to feel an anxiety attack coming.  
  
"You can't go to him!" he shouted at me while holding onto my collar firmly.  
  
"I have to go to him, Touma!" I retorted back stubbornly as he let go and sighed.  
  
"You cannot leave in the middle of this concert, Sakuma Ryuichi! That isn't how professionals work!" Touma eyed me like a tiger, ready to pounce me if I moved anywhere. He was ready to tear my head off.  
  
"What am I supposed to do, Touma?!" Desparately, I took his collar and shook him back and forth.  
  
"'You can't do anything, Ryuichi!" He shouted at me. "Don't you understand, Ryuichi?! To him, you are just someone he looks up to! Nothing more!"  
  
When he said that, I looked down to the ground and smiled. The default smile of defeat.  
  
I let go of his collar and plopped into my chair as I breathed slowly. Then, as I looked up to him, I began to cry. I couldn't stop the tears or this strange smile while I resigned to his words.  
  
"You're right. I'm nothing more to him."  
  
With the back of my hand, I wiped away my tears. Looking at him calmly, I patted his back and nodded my head. "Sorry, Touma…"  
  
  
  
I didn't look at him anymore as I heard him start to say, "Ryuichi…"  
  
"It's time to go on stage."  
  
And when we were performing for the rest of the night, I shouted as loud as I could. In vain, I wanted you to hear me. Wherever you were, I wanted you to hear the song I made for you. The one called 'Kiku'.   
  
It was made from your letter and no one else worked on it, but me.  
  
It was especially yours with all that I could give.  
  
But by the end of the concert, I held my microphone up with my eyes closed. The lights went out, but I just left. I didn't wait for Nuriko and Touma as I rushed out with my bag. Running away, I was crying all over again.  
  
I wanted to be with you.  
  
No, I want to be with you…  
  
Touma's words keep on haunting me though.  
  
"Don't you understand, Ryuichi?! To him, you are just someone he looks up to! Nothing more!"  
  
And that's how it should be, right? You shouldn't know that all the little things Touma or Eiri give you are actually my gifts.  
  
You shouldn't know that behind my smiling, I'm crying and singing to only you.  
  
I'm nothing more to you.  
  
Just as anonymous as your letter to me months ago.  
  
God…  
  
This is one of those times I want to be an 'ordinary person'. Even if I feel that way, many don't see me that way.  
  
The higher I go up the charts, the further away I am from you.  
  
Damn it all, I should be there with you!  
  
I'm so worried and I can't do anything for you. With all my money and influence, I can't even find you. I can't even visit you even if I could. The press would follow me and then you'll be dragged into some tabloid.  
  
That would be even worse if I made your life difficult like that. I would never forgive myself if anything were to happen to you.  
  
Right now, I don't want to be Sakuma Ryuichi.  
  
I want to stay in that hospital with you and make sure you're all right.  
  
I just want to be near you, Tatsuha…  
  
Why am I still here?  
  
And not there with you?  
  
Tsuzuku.  
  
--  
  
Author's note: ;_; * sniff, sniff * Don't worry, Ryu, you'll get Tatsuha soon.  
  
I wanted to write more in the end of this chapter, but I thought those two lines expressed it the best. 


	12. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: yui doesn't own Gravi.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 11 – lollipop flavored.  
  
April 5th, 1997 (part 2)  
  
(Changed) Song of the day: all the things she said by tatu  
  
Touma never failed to surprise me.   
  
As I was looking at the window with worried eyes, I sighed and heard a knock on my hotel door. I jumped as I heard the knocking again. Slowly, I got up and went to look at the peep hole.   
  
Touma!  
  
I grumbled to myself as he continued to knock on the door. "You better open this door," he commanded.   
  
I wanted to protest, but knowing Touma, he wouldn't let up. I might as well have given in before he did something drastic. So, I opened the door and he came in. All he said was, "Dress up, we're going to see Tatsuha."  
  
I blinked at him. Then, I kissed him on the cheek as I glomped him. "Touma~! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"  
  
He just nodded as he lifted up his chin while folding his arms. "The things I do for you, brat."  
  
I smiled and then I put on jeans and a t-shirt while putting on a cap and a jacket too. Then, we were off.  
  
When we got there, we saw Eiri sitting in Tatsuha's bedside. He shook his head and sighed. "I don't know who's worst. You or my father."  
  
I looked at him and gave him a slight smile. Bowing from the waist down with my hands to my sides, I thanked him. He just shook his head and smirked.  
  
Then, he and Touma left to talk outside. They closed the door behind them, but I was still standing only a few feet away from the entrance. As I walked over and pushed the curtain around us, I stood at the foot of the bed and looked at the sleeping Tatsuha. He was coughing, but then, he turned to one side.  
  
I just continued to look at him in awe.  
  
I wanted to be near him.  
  
I wanted to touch him for a year now.  
  
Now, he was before me, and only one touch away…  
  
It seemed like forever for one year to pass between us, but that was all.   
  
On his end, it probably was just a year, but for me, it had been an eternity and then some more.  
  
Slowly, I watched him as I sat down in Eiri's seat.   
  
Peacefully, I watched Tatsuha breathe in and out. His face was towards me as his arms were touching one another. He did sleep as weird as Eiri had warned me, but he looked so cute.  
  
If he slept beside me, I wouldn't mind him. I'd just probably stare like this though and be amused.  
  
I reached out and then I shook my head.  
  
I shouldn't touch him…  
  
But, I couldn't help thinking when I would be so close to him again.  
  
I put my hand on his cheek and watched his eyes scrunch up a bit. But then, his peaceful face came back and he even smiled.   
  
Then, suddenly, he mumbled, "Ryuichi-sama, I…"  
  
"You?" I whispered to him softly.  
  
"I want to go to the zoo with you someday." Then, he smiled wider with his eyes still closed. "Yes, the zoo."  
  
"How odd," I thought to myself, but then I said, "I promise to take you someday."  
  
"Really?" he asked.  
  
I put my hand on his hand and grabbed it firmly. "Yes, I promise. I won't forget."  
  
He didn't say anything, but I closed my eyes a bit as I breathed a sigh of relief. I was so happy to see him doing well. And I was also holding his hand…  
  
His warm hand.  
  
At that moment, I looked at him and closed my eyes as I kissed his forehead. Running my fingers through his hair, I then whispered the thing I couldn't say to his face while he was awake, "I love you."  
  
Before I knew it, I leaned forward to kiss him on the lips.  
  
In shock, I looked from side to side and kept my hands to myself as I sat in my seat. I blushed as I looked at the floor. Tatsuha just murmured something inaudibly and turned to the other side of the bed.  
  
I took a deep breath and that's when Eiri and Touma came back into the room. I got up, thanked Eiri with all my heart, and left with Touma. But before I left, I pulled out a keychain of Kumagorou that I had especially made for Tatsuha. He took it and nodded his head.  
  
Touma drove me back to the hotel I was staying in and sighed. "Now, please get a good night's sleep."  
  
With a sheepish grin, he asked, "Forgive me now, Ryuichi?"  
  
I smiled at him and nodded while kissing him on the cheek again. "Of course!"  
  
At that, he turned around, put his hands into his pockets and walked away quietly and calmly. I closed the door and just plopped onto my bed. I grabbed the framed picture of Tatsuha and hugged it against my chest.   
  
I was guilty of doing something very wrong…  
  
What if I stole his first kiss?   
  
What would he think of me?  
  
Would he be upset with me? Mad? Frustrated? Happy? Shocked? Surprised?  
  
I began to sigh to myself and became a little depressed.  
  
"Why didn't I ever think before doing things like this?" I sighed to myself.  
  
But, as I looked at the picture before me, I smiled to myself and fell asleep, while still feeling the peaceful air around Tatsuha.   
  
Something deep inside of me gave me hope, though.  
  
The kiss didn't feel wrong…  
  
It felt so right.  
  
I smirked to myself. His lips tasted like a certain lollipop because they're so sweet…  
  
I'll have to try them again to figure out the flavor, though…^_~  
  
Tsuzuku…  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Angsty Ryuichi has finally met Tatsuha! And aww…aren't they so cute?!  
  
Okee, so Ryuichi did something he wasn't supposed to do, but if he didn't, he wouldn't be Ryu, huh? 


	13. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: This is an unworthy fanfic, but an attempt as a form of appreciation for the creativity of Maki Murakami! (I used this disclaimer when I first made Nagareboshi...and now, I'm so proud to see how far Nagareboshi has gone from two years ago.) And, Kira is copyright to me.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 12 - if you want to see me, ask me.  
  
April 5th, 1999  
  
Song of the day; Love Song by Luna Sea  
  
A week before the zoo, after checking out who was Bad Luck, I went to Touma's party. It was hard trying to pretend as if you've forgotten him, or didn't know who he was. It hurt so much to say, "And you are?"  
  
He smirked at me and smoothly said who he was.  
  
I wanted to jump him for trying to be seductive.  
  
I was glad I had lots of self-control. But not too much if this kept up...  
  
I even hit him with Kumagorou and smiled. He didn't know what it meant, but I certainly did.  
  
And I had to pretend as if I didn't.  
  
When he tried to fake that he was sick, I wanted to smirk. I was sincere in helping him, but bad enough to say "I'll take care of it". Yeah, right...  
  
We went to one room and I gave him water as he at on the couch. He sighed as he looked at me.   
  
After sitting down on the couch, I gave him a knowing smile. With all honestly, I shook my head. "If you want to be with me, just ask me."  
  
He choked on his water.  
  
I laughed as I looked at him. With my finger, I wiped some of the water away from his face. Then, I smiled as he blushed at me.  
  
"Are you this nice to everyone?"  
  
Oh, you're not 'everyone', dear Tatsuha.  
  
I shook my head. "No...only people I like."  
  
He blinked at me. "You like me? Even after I faked being sick?"  
  
I winked at him. "If our roles were switched, I'd probably do the same thing."  
  
He choked on his water again.  
  
I laughed yet again and patted his back. "Now, I think I'm making you sick."  
  
He shook his head. Then, he laughed as he said, "No, never! You know, all my life, I wanted to meet you."  
  
All my life, I've been waiting for you...  
  
"Thank you..." I said with all humility. "I don't think I'm that special to be put up so high."  
  
Tatsuha blinked at me. "I think you're awesome!"  
  
Then he laughed. "I sound like a little kid."  
  
When he said that, I looked to the ground.  
  
That's exactly how I want you to be. Just stay here with me and be honest...  
  
I wish I could keep you in this room with me...  
  
On a roll with flirting, I slipped in, "So...does the little kid want to go to the zoo with me?"  
  
"What did you say?" He looked at me with shock in his eyes.  
  
"I promised someone I'd take them with me, but I couldn't. I can't...anymore, technically. And you remind me of that person...so I was wondering if you wanted to go with me."  
  
He nodded his head. "Are you sure you want to go with me?"  
  
"As sure as I've ever been..." I smirked.  
  
Then, I got up and winked at him again. "Next time, just ask me if you want to be with me."  
  
I walked out of the room with him gawking at me.  
  
I laughed when I closed the door behind me.  
  
--  
  
Two days ago, I was able to see him and keep the promise I made two years ago. It's late to say this now, but now that I actually _have_ some time to write about it!  
  
God, he was so cute. After all the pictures and various packages with various 'Tatsuha' collectibles (that's so funny, I'm a fan of my own fan!), I finally had the courage to say let's go to the zoo. Okay, technically, he was the one who asked me to go, but he didn't remember. For all he knew, it was just a dream.  
  
For me, that moment lasted for three years. And, with a kiss that I keep on seeking for.  
  
I thought of that kiss so many times.  
  
I wanted to do it again.  
  
When we walked around, we talked and talked. When I looked at him, I kept as calm as I could. I still had to portray that I knew 'nothing' about him. After all, I wanted to know what he thought about when he wrote that letter to me.  
  
Now, I'm thirty-one-years-old, more famous, and still have that piece of paper with me. I can't keep it in my wallet anymore because I'm always tempted to read it. So, it was put into my bedside, right next to the first picture sent to me.  
  
As he talked to me, I looked at him and nodded earnestly. How much he had grown! He's even cuter than when he was thirteen. He even has these small dimples that come up when he smiles, but that's only when he's embarrassed.  
  
Then, his eyes are so soft, but intense. That's not a good way of putting it, but what I meant was that he has his brother's eyes. But, Tatsuha's look is so warm and isn't cold at all. Well, at least when he looked at me, they were.  
  
What I'm guilty about is that when I looked at his lips, I kept on thinking what damn flavor they were. I wanted to find out, but of course, I couldn't do that. "I kissed you when you were in the hospital, mind if I try again?" He'd think I was really weird.  
  
He told me that he was going to go to college and going to take over being monk of their family temple. He sighed at this, but he said he had no choice. I just patted his shoulder, thinking that I just wanted to hold onto him.  
  
How much I just wanted to hold him...  
  
I wanted to ask him about my music too. What did he think about it, but I couldn't bring that up here too.   
  
I was such a bumbling idiot with him! Couldn't even speak straight, so I was just being a genki ball and quiet as he spoke.  
  
"So, Sakuma-san," he asked suddenly while I was trying to take him and the moment in with all my senses, "have you found what you were looking for?"  
  
Being caught off guard, I answered, "Hmm? What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean, in your interview for one of the magazine, the one with the questionnaire, did you find what you were looking for?" He looked at me quietly as if he didn't write any response for it.  
  
I smiled widely. "Yes! This anonymous note told me that they were addicted to my music. And that they could feel my music and know it was me."  
  
He looked at me then laughed as he ran his fingers through his hair nervously. "Ah, is that so?"  
  
I then looked at him seriously and instantly, my heart began to feel heavy. I looked into his eyes and began to ask, "Uesugi-kun, actually, I-"  
  
Ring, ring, ring!  
  
"You have missed the concert, Ryuichi!" said the telephone message.   
  
I didn't answer it because it was Touma.  
  
We had to leave at that moment and we parted as soon as Touma saw me when we came back.  
  
After apologizing to him over and over, when he calmed down, I told him, "Tatsuha...I was with Tatsuha..."  
  
Then he sighed. "I know, but...Ryuichi!"  
  
"I lost track of the time because we were having so much fun!" I told him as best as I could.  
  
Then, I sighed as I smiled at him and he groaned. "You're so lovesick, it's making me sick."  
  
I hugged him as I looked up into his eyes. "Aw...but you can never get too mad at me, Touma. Besides, I was good for many years now, and I didn't see him. You know I promised him to go to the zoo and everything-"  
  
"I know!" he shouted and shook his head in exasperation.   
  
Even until now...  
  
Why was Touma jealous? --;;;;;  
  
"This is the least I want. And I'm just happy with this."  
  
Patting my head, he shook his head. "I guess I'll not give you these nice pics of Tatsuha trying to impersonate you."  
  
I blinked at him. "Oh, that's cruel, Touma."  
  
He smirked.  
  
But when I left NG Records, I wasn't feeling guilty at all. I was on cloud nine for all I cared. I laughed and thought about the way he looked at me. Some part of me kept on thinking, "You just have to tell him when it's time." The other part said, "It's just admiration. Don't read more into it."  
  
Except, I didn't want to say or do anything.  
  
I wanted him to choose it by himself.  
  
If he didn't, I would continue to watch him regardless. My love for him was far worse and more severe than Touma's affection for Eiri. After my walkout from that concert two years ago, that's when we both realized how much Tatsuha affected me.  
  
I'd continue to sing for him like Kira did for her half-brother...  
  
But if he did love me. I would protect him and love him more than I do now.  
  
I worked hard all these years and became gradually 'better' because of him. I hardly have anxiety attacks and my moods have become somewhat stabilized.  
  
I've made my songs deeper, my performances with more feeling. All because of him.  
  
At this moment, I'll call Touma to arrange that I'll go and record with Shuichi or something. And I want Tatsuha 'conveniently there'.  
  
I want him to see how I sing.  
  
How I sing for him...  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I don't know how everything worked out so well for me to just slide right into manga parts and make it believeable. * is amazed (because usually she does things not so well) * I wrote Nagareboshi because I thought it would be cool if I ever met my absolute favorite actor/actress/voice actor/etc., how would I react?  
  
I have read Nagareboshi again...because we're there already. I've already made a draft, but it's so different reading Tatsuha's 'he doesn't know me' mentality with Ryuichi's 'I'm trying to pretend that I don't know him.' 


	14. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: appreciation for Murakami-sensei made me create this fanfic for ryu and tatsuha. "Kiss on my list" isn't mine either.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 13 - you couldn't hear me.  
  
April 15th, 1999  
  
Song of the day: Kiss on my list by Hall and Oates  
  
So, I'm singing like a lunatic in the airplane, ignoring everyone around me. Then, I listen to the minidisk again and smile to myself. I smile even more whenever I think of that look he gave me when I gave him Kumagorou a few hours ago...  
  
Touma, who couldn't resist it when I'd come up with a new melody to challenge him, planned out everything so perfectly for Tatsuha's and my meeting that I owe him a whole new album when I come back to Tokyo.   
  
It worked out that Eiri had called Tatsuha to watch a recording of Shuichi's new single. What he didn't mention was that Shuichi and I were trying to do a song together. I, on the other hand, took a deep breath while staring through the glass doors of the studio. I didn't expect Shuichi to be there with Tatsuha already up watching above us, but I smirked and shook my head.  
  
With a cool head, I smiled and ran into the studio hugging Shuichi and laughing as he showed me the latest set of tracks he had to record. I stood next to him and stole a glance at Tatsuha, trying to make it seem that I was just looking around to see what was going on. Of course, I knew _exactly_ what was going on because I planned it. (Touma was even scared at how thoroughly I had thought of every detail to look so natural. Then again, people think I'm an idiot, but looks are deceiving. Touma and I are equal in this department.)  
  
But Tatsuha was there watching up there and he looked like he was panicking. I began to chuckle to myself and Shuichi thought his lyrics were worse than his usual. I shook my head and said I was just thinking of something.  
  
Then, we recorded our song. When we were finished, we were done for the whole day.  
  
"How about we all eat dinner, Shuichi-kun?" I said as I looked at him while he was peering at his lyrics again, still unsure about the wording.  
  
"Why not?" He laughed and ran out of the recording studio and up to the booth where Tatsuha was. I adjusted my collar, gulped, and walked slowly behind him. But Tatsuha seemed kind of out of it that I almost didn't want to pull through with trying to get him alone (which was very hard in itself). Trying to show that you didn't prefer him over the others was something I wasn't used to. When I liked someone or something, I couldn't help but shower them with my attention because that's just how I was.  
  
After Shuichi finally got through, I went up to him and smiled. Patting his shoulder, I encouraged, "Tatsuha-kun, let's go!"   
  
But he seemed to be really out of it and I kept on glancing at him while he was looking at me with a daze. He was walking behind everyone, but he looked so concentrated and then he looked so far away from me. I looked from side to side, but smiled in front of everyone as I talked to them so that they wouldn't question me about my sudden mood change.  
  
I was so happy that he was there, but was it such a good idea to be so pushy?   
  
After waiting for a moment to confront Tatsuha all these years, I had learned from Touma that I kind of crowded him. I gave him so many things, though not unappreciated, but that Tatsuha wanted to meet me more. But if I were faced with the fact of meeting him more than I should, I wouldn't have known what the hell to do.  
  
God...  
  
I just wanted to grab his hand and tell him whatever he's thinking would be all right.  
  
Without thinking twice, I fully turned around and cocked my head to one side. Energetically, I shouted, "Hurry up! I'm hungry!"   
  
When I saw him become more depressed over this, my head was exploding with worry. Touma smirked as I just lost my patience and pulled Tatsuha's hand with a smile. He shouted, but I just laughed as if I could just run away with him then and there.  
  
Over dinner, I kept on talking to Shuichi, but I also observed everyone around me. It bugged me that Tatsuha really seemed kind of off. It was already driving me nuts. And by the end of dinner, Touma just left with a smirk. Everyone else was going away, but Tatsuha left first!  
  
In panic, I said goodbye to everyone and ran after him.   
  
No...  
  
Not again...  
  
It seemed like such a little thing, but watching him walk away from me when he was so close to me was killing me. The image of a dream I had of him leaving me had me crying for days. I never told anyone, but whenever I think about it, I can't help but sigh and my eyes get all watery.  
  
Like now.  
  
I shouted while running. "Tatsuha-kun! Matte!"  
  
He stopped walking as he turned around to ask, "Yes?"  
  
Breathing heavily, I gulped and told him, "I want you to come with me."   
  
Looking into his eyes, I never felt so comfortable in my life as when I said, "I've had fun in Tokyo, but let's go out together, Tatsuha-kun."  
  
We ended up going to a karaoke bar and he didn't want to sing for me, but I watched him trying his hardest. I bit my lip and smirked so much from the cuteness that he thought I was trying to deal with him rather than enjoying it, which I was.  
  
As soon as I got a mic in my hand, I looked at him and began to sing the last song,  
  
"...I go crazy wondering what there is to really see  
  
Did the night just take up your time, 'cause it means more to me  
  
Sometimes I forget what I'm doing, I don't forget what I want, I want  
  
Regret what I've done, regret you? I couldn't go on  
  
But if you insist on blowing my bliss  
  
I'll tell you this  
  
If you want to know what the reason is  
  
I only smile when alive, then I'll tell you why  
  
(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list  
  
(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list  
  
(Because your kiss is on my list) of the best things in life  
  
(Because your kiss) your kiss is on my list  
  
(Because your kiss) your kiss I can't resist  
  
(Because your kiss is what I miss) when I turn off the light..."  
  
Leaving the karaoke place, I took a deep breath as we drove all over Tokyo. We ended up looking at Seto bridge from some railings. No one else was there except Tatsuha, me, and the driver of my car.  
  
I waved my arms at my excitement. I felt like a little kid. "Wah! It's very beautiful! Other places have too many lights, but this is great!"  
  
It was so beautiful that I stood a little bit further than I should. "Ack!"   
  
In a blink of an eye, Tatsuha caught my waist. As I looked at his scrunched up face, he whispered to himself, "If anything had happened..."  
  
I didn't know how to feel at that moment. I was hoping for an answer that would save me from myself...  
  
He looked at me as I gave him a sincerely confused look. "If anything had happened?"   
  
"If anything had happened..." He started to answer while holding onto me even tighter.   
  
"What? What would you have done, Tatsuha-kun?" I seriously asked while holding my breath.  
  
Looking away from me, he blushed as he gave a sheepish smile while answering, "I would have jumped after you."  
  
I closed my eyes for a moment.  
  
Tatsuha...  
  
I was right to wait for you, wasn't I?  
  
Innocently, I persisted, "But what if I died, Tatsuha-kun?"   
  
Looking straight into my eyes, he replied, "Then I guess I'll go with you...Ryuichi..."  
  
I was speechless as I jumped off onto the sidewalk. "Let's go, Tatsuha-kun."   
  
I put my cold hands into my pockets and we both went into the car.  
  
I didn't know what to say because at that moment he caught me, I felt like all the chaos inside of me was being lulled. The war inside of myself was being calmed down.  
  
I glanced at a worried Tatsuha looking out the window, avoiding eye contact with me. I smiled as I signaled to my driver to bring us back to the hotel.  
  
The same one I had cried years ago saying over and over that I wanted him.  
  
"I want you to help me make a new song, Tatsuha-kun." I smiled and grabbed his sleeve with my fingers.   
  
Entering the room, I turned on the lights and said, "Make yourself at home!"   
  
Stay with me forever too?  
  
I smirked as I jumped onto the bed and sat down. He sat down by me and I got all nervous again, wondering if I had done the right thing bringing him here. He was only sixteen years old, but I wanted to keep him here with me and make love to him.  
  
Frustrated mentally and sexually, I got up and opened the windows. "Look at this."  
  
He stood next to me and said, "Tokyo looks so cool at night."  
  
I pulled Kumagorou from a table and pushed it onto Tatsuha's face as if it were kissing him. Then, I laughed and said, "Say hi!"  
  
Biting on his ear, we both stared out the window.  
  
He sat on the bed and I sighed. I looked up at the sky and wondered if I was doing something totally out of place. I wanted to tell him, and today, I had the courage to be so aggressive.  
  
If he rejected me, I would accept it. If he wanted me, then my endless searching would be over...  
  
Turning around, I gave him a serious look. Then, I put both of my hands on his warm cheeks. Leaning closer to him, I asked, "Tell me what love means to you, Tatsuha."  
  
"Ryuichi...san?" He looked at me scared and confused, but he didn't turn away from me.  
  
With slight despair, I asked him seriously, "Tatsuha...tell me what you did earlier. Would you really do that for me?"  
  
Tell me that the letter was true...  
  
He nodded at me as he whispered back, "Yes, I would."  
  
Smiling wistfully, I said, "I fell in love with a girl once, and she loved me back, but she would never had said that."  
  
I thought it was love, but it wasn't...  
  
To that, he commented, "Then that's her loss..."  
  
I took a deep breath as I breathed into his ear. Holding his cheeks closer to my hands and face, I whispered in an even lower tone, "Tell me what love really means to you."  
  
Help me write the song I need to write for you...  
  
"I thought you wanted me to help you with song lyrics?"   
  
"You are..." I then put my hand on the back of his head and began to kiss him. While pulling on his collar, I began to kiss his neck as I said, "Don't think I'm just doing this just to do it, Tatsuha. I might be very energetic on the outside, but at night, it's lonely without anyone..."  
  
He kissed me back.  
  
Ah, just as sweet as I when I first kissed you...  
  
"No one has ever said that to me, Tatsuha..." I said as I kissed him on the lips again. "But I've never really said it either."  
  
"Really?" He said as he put his arms around me.  
  
"Really..." I said I as I unbuttoned his shirt and began to pull on his belt.  
  
He pushed off my own shirt and leaned up to grab me before I could even kiss his flat stomach...  
  
You were always so far away from me...  
  
And I missed you so much...  
  
As I kissed his back as he held onto my fingers painfully while I went inside of him. Holding his chest, I turned him over as I began to kiss his lips again, not wanting to ever get enough of them...  
  
That taste. Cherry lollipop...yes, that's it!  
  
Before falling asleep, I looked at Tatsuha's face and put my hand on it. Then, I slid my hand onto his waist so that I could hug him as I always did, with his picture frame. I kissed his back and closed my eyes.  
  
Turning towards me, I felt his lips on my ear as he pushed my hair away to say something to me.   
  
When he fell asleep, I woke up and held onto him while watching his face. "Do I have to give you back to the world now, Tatsuha?" I whispered into his ear.  
  
Can I keep you now?  
  
For real?  
  
--  
  
I shouted to the crow, "This is song is called, 'Nagareboshi!!!!"  
  
"YEAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!"  
  
With a smile, I sang with all my heart pouring out,  
  
"It's like a star that you can't change,  
  
It keeps on shining.  
  
No matter what.  
  
Trying to touch perfection  
  
Only to fall to the Earth.  
  
I keep on running  
  
To keep on dreaming   
  
Something that'll never be.  
  
Something that involves  
  
You and Me.  
  
The falling stars keep on falling,  
  
You can't touch something so hot  
  
You'll burn yourself,  
  
And yet we try  
  
To keep it alive  
  
Even if we die.  
  
It's reaching for the person  
  
Who's right in front of you,  
  
You'd never thought it was  
  
So far away.  
  
Clinging onto a dream  
  
That will crush the  
  
people in it.  
  
And yet we try to   
  
fly off the edge  
  
Thinking we could fly.  
  
(whispering/speaking) You don't have to tell me  
  
The difference  
  
between love and hate.  
  
We're destined to always  
  
be this way,  
  
apart by FATE.  
  
The falling stars keep on falling (even to the edge  
  
of the earth)  
  
You can't touch something so hot (though you're a moth  
  
to a flame)  
  
You'll burn yourself, (It doesn't matter)  
  
And yet we try (to keep this feeling inside)  
  
To keep it alive (a forbidden desire)  
  
Even if we die. (Catch me.)"  
  
As I looked at the crowd, I smiled widely. He had heard me this time...  
  
I began to cry and fully understood Kira's feeling of liberation.  
  
You shouldn't be ashamed to be so honest...  
  
There was nothing else for me to lose now, right?  
  
Turning towards Tatsuha, I nodded my head and smiled while shouting, "Someone helped me make that song. And I'll say thank you this way to that friend."  
  
The audience became very quiet.  
  
With all my heart, I shouted back at him, "I'D JUMP OFF THE LEDGE FOR YOU TOO!!!!!!!!"   
  
Running out into the parking lot to head for America, I told the driver to stop. Leaning out the window, I shouted, "Tatsuha-kun!!!"  
  
He ran towards me and asked, "Yeah?"  
  
"Keep Kumaguro for me." Leaning out of the car, I whispered into his ear, "This is to make sure I come back."  
  
Sitting back down, I winked again. "Okay, Tatsuha-kun?"  
  
Driving away, I didn't glance back.  
  
I was finally able to give you the symbol of my love for you. The original Kumagorou that had blistered my fingers, but being a fool in love, I didn't notice it too much.  
  
I gave it to you with a note that said, "You know I'm not good at this. I couldn't say it to you, but you could say it to me...all night. -Ryuichi."  
  
Looking all these years and experiencing many things in all the thirty-one years of my life, I saw and came across many types of affection, thinking that was love. Looking and being rejected or disappointed.   
  
I thought you too would think I was crazy as everyone else thought I was.  
  
But what I realized while watching you for many years, Tatsuha, was that you tried to understand me as an artist and as a person. I was trying to understand why you never thought I was absurd with my sudden changing moods.  
  
You looked past everything that binded me from getting closer to other people around me.  
  
Saying I love you isn't enough after all this time. You're my air. I need you to live.  
  
Please know that much.  
  
When I was falling asleep, you whispered to my ear, "Ryuichi...I love you...even though you can't hear me."  
  
But you never knew.  
  
I always thought you couldn't hear _me_.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I have to admit that in my wildest dreams, I didn't think that Nagareboshi would be one of most precious fanfics. It was just a fic I made 'for the day' and now, it's so different to write it from Tatsuha or Ryuichi (after writing for them and all the gravi characters for more than two years now).   
  
While making Ryuichi's perspective, I kept on thinking from Tatsuha's perspective while whenever I wrote from Tatsuha's perspective, I wondered what Ryuichi was doing 'in the background'. Funny how life works that way. ^_^ I'm just so happy about this.  
  
Matte - wait 


	15. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: Gravitation is Murakami Maki-sama's.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 14 - I seek to cure what's deep inside.  
  
September 25, 1999 -  
  
Song of the day: Africa by Toto  
  
/I hear the drums echoing tonight  
  
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation  
  
She's coming in 12:30 flight  
  
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation  
  
I stopped an old man along the way,  
  
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies.  
  
He turned to me as if to say,  
  
'Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you.'  
  
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you  
  
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do  
  
I bless the rains down in Africa  
  
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had  
  
The wild dogs cry out in the night  
  
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company  
  
I know that I must do what's right  
  
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serangetti  
  
I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become  
  
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you  
  
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do  
  
I bless the rains down in Africa  
  
Gonna take some time to do the things we never had./  
  
I thought about you everyday since the day I left you back in Japan.  
  
For months, I've been away because I chose to. Sure, I had to do a tour and record stuff here in America. And yes, I told Shuichi that I was coming here for 'acting'...since I was so good at hiding my feelings.  
  
But the more I had to see Emily or my family, the more I would miss you, Tatsuha. There's a complete difference in what they term as love and affection than how you define it to me.   
  
Nagareboshi...  
  
So perfect in every way. It took so long to touch you, and when I finally did, you felt hot. I was so ready to devour you, almost to the point that I wouldn't have held myself back if it weren't for the fact that you had finally calmed me down.   
  
And then, you told me it was all right to be the way I was.  
  
You'd die for me...  
  
Oh, Tatsuha. I lived because I knew you were in this world.  
  
I had a pencil in my hand and I was chewing on the eraser, but I was looking at the cel phone again. I was not answering it except if it's Touma. And he had told me that I should do another concert.  
  
Of course, I accepted!  
  
"You've done pretty well," he told me while chuckling.  
  
I blinked at the phone in confusion. My eyes swayed from side to side. "What do you mean?"  
  
"You haven't called, written, or given him anything all these months," Touma said as I heard the smile on his voice. "You're becoming pretty disciplined. It's amusing."  
  
"Hmph," I answered while pouting.   
  
But deep inside, he was right.  
  
Now, I was staring at the phone all over again. I had done this every day since I had come back to LA. I found myself wanting to call him, but then, I didn't want to crowd him.   
  
We were only starting on our relationship and I knew more than anything else that if I did anything that made him uncomfortable, that would be the end of me.  
  
Well, that's how it appeared in everyone's eyes: We were beginning.  
  
Only Touma and Eiri knew that I was beyond help already.  
  
In my head, I was much, much farther than Tatsuha could have ever imagined.  
  
And I was so scared of letting him know that I had been watching him all this time. What would he say to all the things I did? I was worse than any stalker at this moment.  
  
But...  
  
...if I lost him...  
  
I didn't want to think about it.  
  
I smiled as took my wallet in front of me into my hands. Kissing it again on its plastic surface, I placed it back into my pocket to begin writing more lyrics. But all that ran in my head was that single line:  
  
"I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become."  
  
Many years ago, I had thought I was this terrible awful person who couldn't do anything in life. I was some rich president's son who couldn't live up to anyone's standards. I just forgot about mine when I lived that life.  
  
Now, I'd become this obsessed person over a boy.  
  
A boy that meant more than me than singing.  
  
I shook my head as I tried to concentrate on the lyrics before me, but it was of no use. I was arriving in Japan tomorrow, but my parents sent me a surprise to bring: Emily. It was to 'get her acquainted with Japan'.  
  
I tried to tell Touma this on the phone, but he was too busy to hear me since he had to arrange all the stuff that would allow to come back to Japan.   
  
Right now, I didn't know what to do.  
  
Every time I tried to tell her, it was so anime-ish for something to interrupt me. I started out to say 'I love you as my friend' and that I loved her in a way that wasn't romantic at all. There was just no spark or attraction, but she interrupted me by saying she loved me.  
  
The quiet moment was even messier and I didn't have a chance to say anything.  
  
So, I ended up here on an airplane and Emily sleeping on my shoulder. I waited for the flight to end like a convict before the guillotine. I couldn't concentrate on anything except about my promise to Tatsuha. That if only he could wait for me with Kumagorou as my guarantee...  
  
My stomach was wrenching more and more. I couldn't understand what I was so nervous about. I had a few days right? I was going to fix this once and for all, and without anyone else to tell me or Emily what to do.  
  
Well, that was the plan. Unfortunately, when you planned, well, things didn't work out the way you wanted them to.  
  
I thought Touma had arranged for a private company to pick me up if he couldn't do it...  
  
I shook my head a bit as tears began to well up in my eyes.  
  
"Tatsuha...?" I mumbled to myself.  
  
Both in hurt and relief at seeing him...  
  
It was an eternal wait, only to be washed with more pain...  
  
With a big smile on my face, I ran to him. "Tatsuha-kun!"  
  
I wanted to embrace him so much! I was so in love with him and so excited to see him that I wasn't even breathing while thinking of his words, "I love you, Ryuichi."  
  
I blinked my eyes and wiped the tears away as if it were sweat. I pushed him away from me while cursing my fingers as they laid on his jacket a bit longer than they should have.  
  
Dammit...so near and yet so very far...like always...  
  
As Tatsuha was about to ask me what was wrong with me, Emily came up next to me. And the wound that had been botched up through Tatsuha's kiss, was now bleeding all over again before me.  
  
This wasn't supposed to happen. My life in America was different from how I was here in Japan. I was 'myself' whenever I came here.  
  
He glanced at me, but then avoided his gaze all together.  
  
With shocked eyes, I watched Tatsuha try his best to smile.  
  
I hated that smile.  
  
He was being insincere.  
  
But who was I to talk?  
  
I had brought him this unhappiness...  
  
* teardrop *  
  
I was against society's ways and made the trends that people followed.  
  
My family obligations were becoming obstacles to who I wanted to be.  
  
I also had a mental block against myself...  
  
Oh please...  
  
Tatsuha, _please_ believe in me...  
  
Nothing can keep me away from you, Tatsuha...  
  
You're the only cure to this disease I have deep inside of me.   
  
A hurt with no name.  
  
But now, I was seeing the beginning of the end. The light was going to become darkness once more.  
  
Trapped...  
  
I was trapped all over again.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I am sorry for the long hiatus of this fic. There were so many life changes, but what touched me the most to do this fic right now was that there was one reader who took the time to do a Kumagorou for me. I am looking at it and I remember that I have done something good with my time and effort on all my Gravi fics. Thank you, Teresa.  
  
And thank you to those and all your comments! Yes, Nagareboshi _is_ different with Tatsuha's and Ryuichi's mindsets, ne? They each have their own motivations and yet the other doesn't know how much the other cares. What only appears as random collectibles for Tatsuha is actually a gift from Ryuichi. And what Tatsuha thinks is that he means nothing much to Ryuichi when Ryuichi would have moved the world for him even at age thirteen. 


	16. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Gravitation doesn't belong to me.  
  
Kikoeru ka? (Can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the 'Nagareboshi series')  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 15 - this will never change.  
  
September 26, 1999 (Continued from yesterday, September 25th)  
  
Song of the day: White Flag by Dido  
  
I wanted something or someone to hate. A misfortune that was bound to be misinterpreted.  
  
But it was a usual thing, right Ryuichi? You always had to learn the hard way.  
  
That would have been okay if it didn't cause me to just personally pull Tatsuha's heart from inside his chest right now. Some part of me shamefully wished Touma hadn't saved me years ago so that I didn't have to see this day.  
  
Emily, of course, didn't know what was going on. I kind of described him to her, but only in vague terms. It wasn't that I was ashamed, but I needed the timing right.  
  
Japan was perfect until _this_ happened.  
  
It would have been simpler to just explain this to Tatsuha then and there, and I shouldn't have felt so overwhelmed at that particular moment, but I was. I didn't like mixing any of the divisions of my life except when it came to Tatsuha.  
  
I'd let him do anything to me...  
  
...even if it was against my will...  
  
...for I'd always give into him like a slave.  
  
"Hi there!" Emily politely greeted while holding out her hand to him.  
  
And poor Tatsuha shook it, trying his best to show all the shouting he wanted to do inside. "Nice to meet you too."  
  
If he saw through me naturally, I read him just as easily. I got everything from Touma and Eiri-san. Everything that I could possibly know.  
  
Uncomfortably, I sighed while trying to fake being cordial while introducing him. This was what I did best after all. (I even amazed myself sometimes.) "This is my good friend, Tatsuha-kun."   
  
God, I wish I could have cut my throat than say that...  
  
No, dammit!   
  
Emily this is the boy that distracts me, and that's when I just think of him...  
  
"Well, good meeting you too. My name is Emily." Emily smiled unknowingly, but I could see the tinge of superiority in her voice. I knew her too well to not notice it.  
  
She liked me way too much.  
  
As we walked out of the airport entrance, I stood next to Emily, away from Tatsuha. I'd have to explain this to him later...but how?  
  
"So, I heard you're a monk?" Emily said, trying to make conversation.  
  
I wanted to calm myself as I thought of her statement for a split-second. I thought while smirking, "I wanted to corrupt this out of him. He can't give himself to anyone but me."   
  
Tatsuha looked at her and nodded with hesitation. "Yes..."  
  
She asked, "Do you find it particularly interesting?"  
  
Answering with a nod, he said, "Actually, it is."  
  
I glanced at him as they were talking and tried to absorb the moment that he was so close to me, despite everything and these terrible circumstance in and out of myself.  
  
While driving in the car, I stared back at the liveliness that I loved about Tokyo.   
  
I needed to find something to talk about and I needed to ease my tension. At this rate, he was upset with me and I had to capture him back. To make him believe that it was more than one-night in a hotel room.  
  
You thought of it as one-night that may have been a fluke...  
  
...but for me, I felt like I would want to pass through everything in my life if it meant that I could never have that night again. I'd do it all over again to have you for but one moment if I could never have you forever.  
  
"So, what are you doing back, Sakuma-san?" he cutely asked as he watched me on the rear-view mirror.  
  
Itai yo...  
  
We're back to last name calling, aren't we?  
  
"Just recording again," I replied with all the genkiness that I could muster at this horrible moment. "We're making new tracks in addition to 'Nagareboshi'."  
  
  
  
"How about you, Emily-san?" he questioned.  
  
"Ryuichi just invited me to go along with him...so I really don't know," she said.  
  
I slumped in my chair like a little kid.  
  
She turned over to me. "So, where are we going, Dear? If I'm going to marry you, I have to know where you go to, you know Ryuichi-AAAH!"  
  
With a wave of his hand, Tatsuha apologized. "Sorry about that! That car cut me off!"   
  
If I didn't know better...  
  
Tatsuha didn't slip glances through the rear-view mirror anymore. He plainly refused to look at me now. Not that I blamed him.  
  
"So, how long have you known each other?" He watched the road attentively and became impatient with the traffic due to an accident.  
  
"We've been friends since we were kids!" Emily laughed while patting my hand. "I came to school in Japan when I was little."  
  
"She was the girl who kept on singing whenever we went on school trips," I tried to explain.  
  
Dammit, I was going to do what I wanted, even if it killed me inside.  
  
Without thinking twice, I tapped Tatsuha on the shoulder and blinked at him. "Tatsuha-kun! Can we go to a karaoke bar after dropping off our stuff?"  
  
He gave me a hesitant response. "I'll think about it. It might be late."  
  
I am sorry to do this to you...  
  
But I want to be with you more...  
  
In a childish tone, I pleaded, "Please?"  
  
Hugging him as we went into a karaoke room, I smiled. "Thanks, Tatsuha-kun~!"   
  
"Oh, no p-problem," he nervously said.  
  
Emily hugged him too. "Yeah! Thanks, Tatsuha-san! I've never gone to one of these!"  
  
I sat down and tried to look for a song while I felt Tatsuha's curious eyes glancing at me. He asked Emily, "Doesn't Sakuma-san ever take you to karaoke places?"  
  
She shook her head. "No."  
  
"This looks good...yeah, this too..." I mumbled to myself as if I didn't hear anything.  
  
We began to sing songs, but Tatsuha refused to sing anything. I knew he was shy, but I also knew that he was out of it, so I didn't want to push him.  
  
Instead, I kept on picking the songs that I thought he would understand without me saying a word.  
  
And I became more comfortable because I was in my home realm.  
  
  
  
Emily andTatsuha clapped hands while shouting, "Sugoi~!"  
  
I chuckled when Tatsuha commented, "Isn't he so cool, Emily?!"   
  
Things were going well until Emily kissed me on the cheek. She was used to doing this, but Tatsuha watched and became withdrawn all over again. I sighed inwardly.  
  
After Emily sang, I pushed Tatsuha to sing a song. I was smirking the whole time while folding my arms. He was adorable, I couldn't stand it!  
  
When we were exiting, I put my arm around his neck and chuckled even more. "So Tatsuha-kun has been practicing without me?!"  
  
"No, he hasn't actually..." he replied.  
  
--  
  
Tatsuha dropped both of us at our hotel and even brought us to each of our rooms because he wanted to help with the luggage. But as soon as I heard him saying goodbye to Emily, I opened my door to catch him as he was passing by.  
  
"Ack!" he shouted while I embraced him from behind.  
  
My heart was beating so loudly that I was shaking.  
  
"Shhh!" I said as I pushed his shoulders to the closed door.  
  
I wanted to just take off his clothes and throw him on the bed while telling him I was so sorry...  
  
But all I could do was keep my hands on each his shoulders while looking into his eyes intensely. "Tatsuha-kun..."  
  
On purpose, he tilted his head and gave me a scathing, formal tone. "Yes, Sakuma-san?"  
  
My eyes wandered from his eyes to his lips and I didn't know what to do now that I had him there with me. I pushed his shoulders into the door as I leaned closer.   
  
"I..." I started to say.  
  
But then, I stopped short in the middle and our noses almost touched.   
  
Slap me, do anything...  
  
Just don't look at me that way.  
  
Don't look at me as if you hate me.  
  
It hurts too much...  
  
Then, I put my hands on his face and put my lips on his cheek as I whispered into his ear, "Gomen."  
  
Tatsuha scrambled for the doorknob as he angrily said with hurt, "You make a fool of me for the longest night of my life, and all you can say is 'sorry'?"  
  
I opened my mouth, but even so, there was nothing coming out of it.  
  
With an icy look, he gave me the deathblow I deserved at that moment. "I regarded you so highly, SAKUMA-SAN. But now, after all these years, I'm changing my mind."  
  
My mouth closed as tears immediately came to my eyes.  
  
And he just turned away from me without looking back.   
  
"Goodbye."  
  
Click.  
  
My heart stung like hell and I ran like a mad woman to the window. Pressing my hands to the cold, cold window, my tears were synchronized with the heavy pouring rain.   
  
I was too shocked, but the tears were silently falling without even a sob from my lips.  
  
Finally, he ran across the street and he turned back to glance at me.  
  
I wanted to scream out to this damned world, but my voice wouldn't let me: "You're wrong! It was you! It will always be you..."  
  
I wasn't going to fall to my knees and I wasn't going to break the glass before me.  
  
I couldn't stop him because I didn't have enough strength to.  
  
"Tatsuha..." I barely said with a crack in my voice.  
  
My tears were now rushing down even harder than the rain and I couldn't speak any more useless words.  
  
He ran away from me in the rain and I couldn't watch him anymore while he drove off.  
  
Long after, I continued to press my fingers on the icy windowpane even though I couldn't feel them or my heart anymore...  
  
Do I have enough strength to ask you to belong to only me, Tatsuha?  
  
I...  
  
I don't know...  
  
But you have to.  
  
You just have to...  
  
I wasn't going to say "Gomen." I was trying to say this:  
  
I belong to you, Tatsuha,  
  
even if you didn't understand it at the moment how true and deep that was.  
  
Even if you might not ever be mine.  
  
Even if you reject me...  
  
Even if you leave me in the future...  
  
I know this will never change.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's thoughts: Shoot, I stopped breathing. And here I was wondering if I made it deep enough...  
  
Itai yo - So painful. 


	17. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I wish Ryuichi belonged to me, but it's not working that way. *laughs* All Gravitation is held by Murakami Maki and Sony Productions. Adia isn't mine.  
  
Kikoeru ka? (Can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the 'Nagareboshi series')  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Chapter 16 - suteki na kimi. (wonderful you.)  
  
September 26th, 1999 (continued)   
  
Song for the moment (changed): Adia by Sarah McLachlan  
  
I put on the radio, but Adia was playing.  
  
What a perfect song.   
  
I never could make up my mind whenever it came to picking a song.   
  
The emotional impact was too much and it was finally starting to hit me.  
  
I cringed to the floor and I felt dizzy. Walking over to the bathroom like a drunk, I began to vomit all over again.  
  
Then, I turned on the faucet and washed my face as I drank some of the water. Grabbing the inhaler from the medicine cabinet, I shakily used it.   
  
In my frustration, I laughed. I continued to laugh at my stupidity as I heard the telephone ringing while I picked up my keys from the counter. I looked at the phone and I knew it was Touma. I was mad at him for all he cared. It was already 1am, but I couldn't stay here.  
  
I had continued to cry until the tears stopped falling down my face.  
  
There was nothing left now, wasn't there?  
  
It was all a sweet dream after all. And I loved every bit of it.  
  
Whenever you think that you've finally come to the point that something was given to you so easily, you know it will be taken away from you in the end. Why was that?  
  
I didn't know why. That's how it had always been for me, so wasn't that why I appreciated things more?  
  
Maybe Tatsuha was right to walk out all along.  
  
I was a weak person after all.  
  
How could he ever begin to love someone so ugly inside? Someone who couldn't keep his mind straight? Someone whose moods depended on the weather and what you said to him and what his dream was last night.  
  
What the fuck was so wonderful about me that you cared in the first place? What did I do to deserve your attention?   
  
I don't know...  
  
I honestly don't know.  
  
--  
  
I went into NG Records and was surprised to find Touma waiting for me at the recording booth. He folded his arms as he looked at me knowingly.  
  
I gave him an angry look as I pushed my shoulder on his to get to the mic. "Go away, Touma."  
  
"I knew you'd come here. You always do."  
  
"This is your fault." I shook my head from side to side. "Now Tatsuha thinks...he..."  
  
I couldn't finish any of my thoughts.  
  
And I knew blaming him was the wrong thing to do, but I was so irritated and disoriented at the moment.  
  
Touma pushed me on the table and hugged me. I tried to wring myself free as he hugged me tighter while I felt his cheek pressing on the top of my head. His hat fell to the ground and continued to hold me. He whispered into my ear, "I'm sorry...I thought you'd be happy with this arrangement."  
  
That made me calm down a bit. He always thought of me, didn't he?  
  
"I found out you left with Emily when you were on the plane here."  
  
"My parents surprised me with her at the airport," I explained with a sheepish laugh. "But...now..."  
  
My heart cringed.  
  
"He hates me now," I told him. "You know how he told me?"  
  
I began to laugh again with sarcastic lips. "I regarded you so highly, SAKUMA-SAN. But now, after all these years, I'm changing my mind."  
  
"Oh...my..." he whispered into my ear.   
  
"How can I compete against that, Touma?" I desparately asked him. "I have confidence to do everything else, but fall in love? I turn to mush when it comes to that. I don't want to deal with it anymore."  
  
"I'm sure Tatsuha doesn't really mean it." He calmly said this while trying to comfort me. "If you'd just explain-"  
  
"And tell him later, 'Oh, I want to be with you forever? Can you stop being a monk and your life for me?'" I shook my head. "You know more than anyone how many times these things have gone through my head. And I wouldn't be that selfish.  
  
"Damn, I don't even know if he prefers men. I took him to my hotel last time and made love to him, telling him I needed song lyrics. How would he know that I've never done that with anyone before, except him? I know how to act so sweet and calm while tearing myself apart."  
  
Touma listened quietly.  
  
"He's only sixteen-years-old. He has a whole life ahead of him. I'm not too far from reaching the half-way mark of mine, hopefully. What the hell do I do?! What the fuck should I do?!" I held onto Touma's sleeves and pressed my fingernails into the cloth.   
  
"And what will I do if he finds out that he doesn't want to be with me even if he does love me? I can't take that anymore. I won't survive that, Touma." My fingers clamped onto his sleeves even more. "I'm messing up his life, Touma. He's confused just as much as I am. He shouldn't have to feel this way."  
  
"Ryuichi..." he sighed while running his hand through his blond hair.  
  
"Somewhere in the rain, there's a sixteen-year-old out there that has my heart with him. And he's confused all because of _me_. And I love him too much to let go of him, even if it would be healthier for both of us that I do."  
  
Silence.  
  
"This is not the Ryuichi I know," Touma said with a scolding tone. At that moment, he pushed himself away from me and I stared at him in shock.  
  
Pointing at me, he gave me a cold look. "The Ryuichi I know never gives up. Even if it will tear him into pieces. That's why he is so well-loved. He doesn't care about risks as long as he was able to do as he pleases and be the way he is!"  
  
"Touma..." I looked into his hurt eyes.  
  
Then, with a calm expression and a soft smile, he put his hands on my shoulders. "Believe in Tatsuha as you always have. When has he ever steered you wrong? He's always guided you where you've needed to go within yourself. Somewhere where no one else could touch, including myself."  
  
Picking my chin with his finger, he stared at me clearly. "Why are you so scared?"  
  
"That...that..." Like a child, I shook my head. My eyes became watery again. "That I will be disappointed all over again. That he's fallen in love with the wrong person."  
  
"Why do you think that way, Ryuichi? You're wonderful."  
  
"I've done many things I'm not proud of and I can't seem to know where I am going. Even though I look like I know what I'm doing, deep inside, I'm so lost. The more he'll get to know me, will he think that I am really crazy? If he turned away from me then, I won't be able to recover from that."  
  
A tear fell and Touma rubbed it away with his thumb.  
  
"He was the one that made me see that I could do anything. I could be anything." I tried to look at Touma as best as I could.  
  
"Then why do you think he'll let you down now?"  
  
"Because I hurt him."  
  
"Tatsuha will understand whatever you have to say to him." It was then that he held my face in between his hands. "Isn't that why you love him so much?"  
  
I closed my eyes as I leaned up to hug Touma. "Thank you, Touma."  
  
Letting go, he picked up his hat and lifted it up to the air with a smile. "Anything for my Ryuichi."  
  
"Well, seems my work here is done and I can go to sleep in peace," he said while walking towards the door.  
  
He glanced back at me and I said with determined eyes, "I am myself again. Thank you for catching me before I fell again."  
  
Touma nodded his head and turned around. But he started to say something that I didn't expect him to. "Years ago, I fell in love with a boy. He was very innocent and I would watch him every opportunity I could."  
  
Eiri...  
  
"And then he went away. I couldn't find him. Since I couldn't have him, I fell in love with someone who reminded me of that boy." His eyes were blocked by his blond bangs as a sad smile crept onto his profile when he slightly turned to face me. "But my feelings for that boy never changed. It kept on growing. And when I met him again, finding out where he went to school, I loved him more to the point that I was torn. How could I love a boy so much? And shamefully, I went into music because I knew that was the only way I could get close to him was through that."  
  
I was so confused...  
  
Smiling, he said, "You haven't changed since we met when we were little, Ryuichi. You don't remember, but I remember you very well. Still as innocent and energetic as ever."  
  
"What are you talking about?" I looked at him with even more bewildered eyes.  
  
"You asked me why I fell in love with you, Ryuichi, and now, I'll give you your answer." He turned around. "Guess that's why I so interested in Bad Luck because Shindou-san reminded me of you."  
  
"I-I still don't understand, Touma. What does that have to do with anything?"  
  
He began to laugh.   
  
"..."  
  
What was that supposed to mean?  
  
Then, he kissed me on the cheek. "You always thought I knew what I wanted. I didn't. Not until I met you."   
  
Walking away, he said, "That's why I know you'll never give Tatsuha up. That's why I also know Tatsuha won't let you down, Ryuichi. He believes in you as much as I do."  
  
Taking a hold of the doorknob, he finished, "And just as silently, he's as determined about you as I have always been."  
  
"Good night, Ryuichi." He lifted up his hand and opened the door to let himself out.  
  
"Touma...?" I mumbled to myself in shock.   
  
It wasn't Eiri after all...?  
  
It...it was me all this time?  
  
The door clicked shut.  
  
I shook my head in disbelief.   
  
"Why do you always do this to me? Whenever I need help, you're there. And when you give me that comfort, you'll always give me something to think about?"  
  
After all the years I had been friends with Touma, that was the moment that I understood him completely...  
  
...and it was also the moment that made me realize who I really was:  
  
Challenging what has been set out for me because I'm not anyone you'll ever know.   
  
Sincerity is how I live my life.  
  
And I won't accept anything less than my personal best.  
  
Tsuzuku...  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I think the hardest part for me was to make the last line. Who is Ryuichi? He's many things, but what would he say about himself?  
  
Yea~! Next chapter is the last chapter! 


	18. Epilogue

Disclaimer: Gravitation isn't mine.  
  
kikoeru ka? (can you hear me?)  
  
(prequel to the Nagareboshi series)  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
Epilogue - the end of the beginning.  
  
September 28th, 1999 (continued for September 26th)   
  
Song of the day: Breathe your name by six pence none the richer.  
  
I was so ready for anything that I didn't go to sleep. I ended up sitting in the booth thinking about what I wanted from life and how was I supposed to go there.   
  
There was thing that I knew for sure, if anything else: Tatsuha.  
  
He had to belong to me. I couldn't bear the thought of it any other way.  
  
And if he'd reject me, at least there would some kind of closure than killing myself everyday thinking about what could be.  
  
I started to make a song again. That's what I did when I didn't know how to feel. Thank goodness the lyrics were the only things that I needed to finish. So, I stood there with my notepad.  
  
"Reach...  
  
how could I reach you...?"  
  
I called Emily early that morning and had her come to the studio when I was finally done with the lyrics. I needed her to hear me. I needed her to understand.  
  
What did she see in my music?   
  
Did she think that this was a fancy and that I'd take over my father's company? I didn't know exactly. She was never clear about what she liked about me. All she kept on telling me was that she loved me. And for a time, I believed those words.  
  
Until Touma came into my life.  
  
Love wasn't about saying it or little gifts.  
  
It was harder not to say anything at all and make it seem like it was only natural to help someone out.  
  
But even more than that, someone touched me without a breath.  
  
Tatsuha had made me realize that love was more than not saying anything. It was reaching into a person and accepting them, no matter how awful they may be.  
  
I was scared about what he would see. What Touma would see too after all these years...  
  
For I couldn't understand what they saw in me. My mental block against what 'good' I could do rather than be harsh and dwell on what I couldn't.  
  
It was unconditional. It was even harder to love someone seeing them self-destruct.  
  
And even I didn't want Touma seeing me this way.  
  
But Tatsuha.  
  
I wanted this person to know the part of me that I was afraid of. The one that was shunned from the eyes of the world.   
  
I closed my eyes. Could he listen to me the whole way through?  
  
Would he be scared of me if he knew all that I carried inside of me? The insults...abuse...self-destruction...  
  
Could he see me dirtied when I tried so hard to cover all that I hated about myself?  
  
Emily came into the studio and smiled as she hugged me. Kissing me on the cheek, she gave me a concerned look. "What happened? Is something wrong?"  
  
Her eyes scanned mine as she gently pressed her thumbs on my eyes. "Ryuichi, why were you crying?"  
  
I nodded my head silently.  
  
"Why?" She shook her head as she still held my face. "Are you okay? Please tell me."  
  
This person would do anything for me...  
  
But I didn't love her as she wanted...  
  
How could I be so cruel to let this drag on?  
  
"Ryuichi?" she asked again as she looked into my eyes.  
  
"I want you to hear a song. It's something new that I made."  
  
"But-"  
  
"This is part of the reason that I cried." I pulled her hand into the recording booth as she nodded slowly. Standing to one side she said, "Thank you...you've never asked me to come with you here...so I feel very honored."  
  
Why did you waste your time on me...  
  
"I usually like to be by myself whenever I make lyrics and such," I answered while putting the earphones on my neck.  
  
She nodded understandingly. "I know. That's why I never wanted to bother you."  
  
Looking directly at her, I asked, "Why do you listen to my music?"  
  
"Because it's beautiful, Ryuichi. You love it very much and it's a part of you." Looking away for a moment, she sighed. "It shows me a part of you that you never tell me, that's why."  
  
I insisted, "But what do you think about it?"  
  
"It's your heart."  
  
I blinked at her for a moment. Had she always thought this way? Why didn't I see this?  
  
Then, she continued, "You're so many different things and so many different people. You're a mermaid and then you're sleeping beauty. But all of them are you. And I feel blind. Because no matter how much you're reaching out, you still keep your heart intact. You're selfish like that."  
  
"Emily..."  
  
I began to play the song and I sang:  
  
"(whisper) Never say a word.   
  
Whisper to me in the rain  
  
Without moving your mouth.  
  
Lip-sync if you can,  
  
I want to hear your voice once more.  
  
In anger you turned away from me,  
  
and disappear with that asphalt smell  
  
that rain leaves behind.  
  
Through the shadows of myself  
  
I reach deep into this feeling  
  
that makes all humans fall apart.  
  
Falling deeper into you,  
  
I've forsaken Heaven.  
  
Fallen Angel. (come to me)  
  
Killing us deeper and deeper  
  
Without mercy or compassion  
  
Reach out if you can,  
  
I want to feel the warmth of your touch.  
  
In gentleness you looked at me,  
  
and vanish into a mirage of rain  
  
that falls continuously.  
  
Through the darkness in myself,  
  
I rip without pity into this feeling,  
  
that makes all humans more imperfect  
  
Falling deeper inside of me,  
  
I've gone to the depths of hell itself.  
  
Fallen Angel. (kill me.)  
  
(whisper)   
  
The words I cannot say,  
  
they work against me.  
  
I cannot keep what's important,  
  
it's slipping away.  
  
Damn Fate won't let me keep...  
  
Keep You.  
  
Through the shadows of myself (Grasping blindly for anything)  
  
I reach deep into this feeling (This burning desire)  
  
that makes all humans fall apart. (And puts gods to their knees)  
  
Falling deeper into you, (More than you'll ever know)  
  
I've forsaken Heaven. (To find you)  
  
Fallen Angel. (Come back to me.)"  
  
My last song to sing to you Emily...  
  
And all I think is Tatsuha.  
  
I began to cry all over again as I carefully wiped my eyes. "Tomorrow I will leave Japan again, and I didn't even..."  
  
Emily pushed herself off the wall and walked a few feet towards me.  
  
"Hmm?" her looked said to me, but then it changed to a grin.  
  
With a smile, she told me, "You did great, Ryuichi."  
  
"Thanks," I said while taking off my earphones from my body. "There's something I have to tell you,   
  
Emily."  
  
"Yes, dear?" He put her hands down and looked at me attentively.  
  
With a gulp, I gave her a serious look and told her, "I'm going to stop the line right here."  
  
She started to say, "You mean you're not serious about-"  
  
I interrupted, "If I marry you, I'll be doing it because my family has always married into yours."  
  
"Y-you mean..." She began to sob. "You like that boy, don't you? The sixteen-year-old that picked us up."  
  
"Yup." I began to adjust the microphone. "I told him about you. I told him I loved you once and you loved me. But he said something you would never say to me."  
  
"And what was that, Ryuichi?!" She shouted in a hurt tone.  
  
"All my life, I have gotten everything I've wanted. I've associated with the upper class." I laughed. "Why do you think I know Touma Seguchi?"  
  
Well, because I went out of my way to be next to him after he talked to me in high school. Falling so hard I couldn't do anything but be by his side.  
  
"And, I've gotten the best of everything. But..." I shook my head as I began to smile. Looking at her clearly, I said, "But, for myself, of my own free will, I've chosen to become a singer."  
  
"And what has this got to do with Tatsuha-san?" She was confused as her tone betrayed her thoughts.  
  
"He chose me."   
  
My heart became suddenly light.  
  
Pure silence ensued.  
  
I then told her, "No one told him to go with me...but himself."  
  
Slap!  
  
The sting on my cheek was throbbing as she said, "I myself chose to be with you, Ryuichi."  
  
Her voice quivered as she began to cry even more. "I personally asked my father for myself to given to you. But when you looked at me, I knew this day would come."  
  
"..."  
  
I know this too well.  
  
She took a hold of my face as she gave me a sad smile. "I knew one day, you'd leave me."   
  
Kissing me, she then rose her voice in frustration: "I know I'll love you more than he ever can Ryuichi!"  
  
"No you can't!"  
  
Suddenly, she let go as we both stared up at Tatsuha, startled.  
  
I looked at Emily and then I looked at Tatsuha again.   
  
"You..." I could barely move my lips so I couldn't even hear my own voice.  
  
What are you doing here, Tatsuha?  
  
You're making me hope all over again...   
  
He was confused as he said, "My feeling's too strong, Emily. I can't express it with an 'I love you anymore'. It's more than love that I feel."  
  
I was frozen, wondering if this was all a dream. I was probably hallucinating because I hadn't slept all night.  
  
Did I hear correctly? Was this all real?  
  
Was he saying those words that were always on my lips?  
  
Emily's voice proudly answered, "How can you do that, Tatsuha?"  
  
He came down and opened the door. Walking over to Emily, he held his hands out as if he were trying to touch something. His eyes were different though. They were different from last night.  
  
So focused...  
  
Then, he said something I would never forget:  
  
"You're supposed to know him so well, but do you know that Ryuichi always sleeps with that bunny in his arms even if he has to bite its ear from losing it? Do you know that Ryuichi goes to karaoke bars because that's the only way he can vent out? Do you know that Ryuichi is ticklish on his left side? Do you know Ryuichi's true smile? Do you know what that looks like? Do you know why he changes whenever he sings?"  
  
I stared at him dumbfounded.   
  
Had he watched me so carefully all these years to be able to say all this so easily? So confidently?  
  
What happened to you last night?  
  
"No! You don't!" He shouted at her. Patting himself on the chest slowly, he nodded his head. "But, I do."  
  
He began to smile as he looked at her with soft eyes. "I know that Ryuichi loves that bunny because it holds significant value. I know that Ryuichi gets so wound up that he sings what he can't say. I know that he is ticklish only when you give him chocolate. I know Ryuichi's real smile when he seems to sparkle. I know he changes whenever he sings because he expresses all the things he wants to do, but can't."  
  
Tatsuha...  
  
Why...how...where do I even begin?  
  
"Believe in him," Touma's voice came into my head.  
  
I was so moved that I couldn't say anything at all.  
  
Unable to control her hurt and frustration, Emily took a step forward. Then, she shouted, "You want to fight about Ryuichi? You'll never win out on how much I know Ryuichi, little Tatsuha. I've known him much longer than you yourself have been alive."   
  
Pushing his shoulder, she angrily said, "So don't you DARE tell me what I know and what I don't."  
  
But Tatsuha didn't give up. With shrugged shoulders and a confident smile, he blurted out, "Then there's just only one difference between you and me, Emily. His feeling for me is real, but for you, it's just an obligation."  
  
Slap!  
  
Tatsuha turned his cheek, but still stared at her, unmoved.  
  
I wanted to shout, but I caught myself unable to do so. Both of them were running out and I didn't know what to do. I watched them both leave as if they were in slow motion. Emily went out one door and Tatsuha went out the other.  
  
Looking from side to side, I grew even more confused. Shuichi, from above, shouted at me, "Go, Sakuma-san! Make up your mind before they both leave!"  
  
Shuichi-kun...  
  
I closed my eyes for a split second and walked towards where I wanted to go.   
  
"Yes, that's right..." I whispered to myself.  
  
I ran up the stairs to catch up to Tatsuha.  
  
He chose me.  
  
By himself, he alone chose me...  
  
I ran down the short hallway as my heart beat faster and faster.  
  
All this time, I wanted to choose him too.  
  
Opening the door, I was ready to run with all my might. Except, I swept back to find a wistful-eyed Tatsuha standing in front of me.   
  
With his wonderful, charming smile, he joked, "What took you so long, Ryuichi?"  
  
It was early afternoon, and I should have been sleepy, but as soon as I opened the door to my hotel room, I closed it shut while kissing Tatsuha and pressing him against the back of the door.   
  
The phone rang and I lifted one finger. "One moment."  
  
When my father shouted on the phone, I smiled. "I already disowned myself. You just didn't hear me the first time."  
  
I slammed the phone.  
  
Grabbing Tatsuha, I took off his clothing and I threw him onto the bed.  
  
He laughed at me as I pulled my belt off while my knees touched his hips. I licked the nape of his neck and whispered into his ear, "All this time, I thought you couldn't hear me."  
  
"What do you mean, Ryuichi?" he said as he caught my head between his hands for a moment.  
  
I tilted my head to one side and shook my head. "You'll understand when I tell you."  
  
He nodded his head as I began to kiss him on the mouth...  
  
That night, as I laid below him and he kissed me. Then, he softly sang into my ear,  
  
Through the shadows of myself (Grasping blindly for anything)  
  
I reach deep into this feeling (This burning desire)  
  
that makes all humans fall apart. (And puts gods to their knees)  
  
Falling deeper into you, (More than you'll ever know)  
  
I've forsaken Heaven. (To find you)  
  
Fallen Angel. (Come back to me.)  
  
"That's what loves means to me, Tatsuha-kun..." I told him.  
  
This was my response to you...  
  
When Tatsuha fell asleep that night, I smiled as I ran my fingers through his hair. I hugged him and couldn't express anything that I was feeling.  
  
Finally...  
  
Finally, I can have peace.  
  
--  
  
The next morning, I called Touma.  
  
"I heard from Eiri. I guess I'll talk to you later." He chuckled on the phone.  
  
Then, I said again in gratefulness, "Thank you, Touma. For everything."  
  
"Ryuichi, stop that. You don't have to thank me for anything."  
  
"But-"  
  
"How can you thank someone who does everything so willingly for you?"  
  
"Because you're stupid like that," I told him while shaking my head. "I've always wanted to say that."  
  
Petty, yes, but for just once, I wanted to win against Touma.  
  
"Only for you, Ryuichi. Catch you later."  
  
Click.  
  
I looked at the phone again.   
  
Stupid Touma...  
  
Always making me think more than I should...  
  
--  
  
At the airport, I hugged Tatsuha and he was so cute. He wouldn't let go of me. Even if it was a second longer, he held me tightly.  
  
Oh, I was so happy this isn't a dream...  
  
"I'll be back," I told him confidently.  
  
With a smile on my face and courage inside of me, I finally said it aloud to him: "I love you, Tatsuha."  
  
He blushed even though I think he didn't realize it.  
  
Turning around, I left to go and check in. I didn't want to turn around because I knew myself too well.  
  
If I turned, then I would never go.  
  
Wait a minute...  
  
Who the hell wanted to?!  
  
I turned around and shouted his name at the top of my lungs. "Tatsuha! Tatsuha!"  
  
Many people stared at me and began to whisper, but I didn't care what the hell they were thinking.  
  
He turned around to find me running to him.  
  
I ran and dropped my luggage. Jumping into his open arms, I hugged him around the neck with my legs twined over his waist. I kissed him on the cheek and said, "Tadaima, Tatsuha."  
  
Yes, I am finally home.  
  
Home wherever you are, Tatsuha.  
  
"Okaeri," he said with a smile.  
  
Snuggling into his arms, he began to cry. I didn't want him to see, but nor did I want anyone else to see.  
  
He wrapped one arm around me and kissed the top of my head.  
  
In my head, 'kikoeru ka' was forming its lyrics...  
  
As we exited Narita Airport, I mumbled like an idiot, "Tatsuha?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Will love you me even if I'm dirty?"  
  
"Then, I'll have to clean you."  
  
"Will you love me even if I'm not the way you thought I was?"  
  
"If it's less than god, then no."  
  
I laughed.  
  
"Even if I'm crazy and lose my mind? Will you stay with me even until then?" I held my breath as I said this.  
  
"No matter what happens, Ryuichi. I'll stay as long as you want me to."  
  
Someday, I will tell you everything, Tatsuha.  
  
About the letters...  
  
About the pictures...  
  
About Kumagorou...  
  
About the kiss...  
  
About the concert...  
  
How much I love you.  
  
How much I believe in your words.  
  
Finally, I closed my eyes to cry all the tears I held inside for so long.  
  
I waited so long for someone to pull me from my own darkness. I was too proud to ask for help and I was too weak to scream 'save me'. I was so confused about everything about myself.  
  
And yet, I waited for someone to understand how demented I saw the world. How twisted I saw human beings. How much I hated myself.  
  
Yet, even though I wasn't worthy, I hoped while living as a lifeless corpse.  
  
Living and yet not so.  
  
Now, all the inner chaos is dwindling and becoming small.  
  
I can breathe again.  
  
Thank you for hearing me, Tatsuha.  
  
For understanding that I may be Japan's idol with the sharp eyes,  
  
But I was still human inside.  
  
I was crying out to be saved from this loneliness...  
  
To be saved from myself.  
  
My inner war is over.  
  
Someone heard my desparate prayer with my heart as the sacrifice;  
  
and in return, offered me their soul.  
  
After all this time, even for someone like me...  
  
there was someone waiting.  
  
Owari.  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Gosh...this was hard. I should have put more, but dragging out is for 'Aching Desire.'  
  
Thank you for reading. As always, I've appreciated your love and support.  
  
It has been difficult to write about anxiety, depression, and things of that nature. These things are just 'bad days', but something a lot of people have to deal with almost every day. It's hard enough to live life, but being suicidal or feeling anxiety adds much more pain. It's like living with glass on your feet, waiting to fall and go crazy.  
  
I got very down and dirty with this piece and I'm sorry that at times, it seems overbearing with the really emotional parts. But I felt that was something I shouldn't have ignored.  
  
Someone made me feel like I was a thing once, and I am still bitter about that. My best friend told me that he was trying to help, but I told him even I know how to treat people well even if he said I was 'unwell'. There are many people ashamed to admit that they have this, even if it is normal.  
  
I chose to show this to you because I love Ryuichi. Of all the characters I can identify with, it's Subaru (Tokyo Babylon/X) and Ryuichi. I just wanted to say that whomever feels this way, you're not alone. I felt that way once, but I was very wrong. I wasn't at all.  
  
I know that the ending is very open ended. It's not all happy as it should be, but it's realistic. Just because he has Tatsuha doesn't mean they live happily ever after. They both have many things to deal with (all within Aching Desire and beyond), but they stick it out together.  
  
Society tells you that once you meet someone, you'll be with them, but that's not true at all. Touma and Ryuichi could have been together, but too many things got in the way and we don't even know what Ryuichi has in his past to have him so sad. That's his charm and mystery though, and to explain too much would ruin some of the fascination for him.  
  
Yes, some people say they don't want to rely on other people (I am like that too), but I realized that you have to. Not totally, but you can't take it all upon yourself.   
  
That's why instead of the two sentences before the last were my ending (as it was in the draft), I switched them with the current two ending sentences. It is because Ryuichi is relieved. He didn't want to be treated special because of what he did, but of who he was. Now, he wasn't alone anymore.  
  
So, thank you again for reading. I am happy that my humble words were able to get through. I am still struggling to be the best person and writer I can possibly be, so it is so encouraging to talk to you all. To hear that you can identify with/learn from/enjoy this.  
  
Love always,  
  
Yui  
  
10/7/2003 1:57:33 AM 


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